He can do TWO voices, you ignorant slut!

Having just spent ten years making my horrible starter home worth living in, then selling it, I can attest that the line between fixing up a house and performing Sisyphean labors in hell does blur after a while.

I’m so glad the weekend’s here. Time to kick back, get stoned, and leave Celine Dion off my own list of the 200 Greatest Singers of All Time.

Extra relevant since this was originally tweeted on 1/6/21

I think you need to put “brain” and/or “trust” in quotation marks there.

I’m not TomatoFace. I’m his publicist.

“It’s a shame. It makes us look foolish. If I didn’t know any better, it’s like the Democrats paid these people off... Let’s make it look like the Republicans can’t govern and don’t deserve any gavels whatsoever. That’s what it makes it look like.”

Elect clowns, get a circus.

You can probably cross off “criminal mastermind.”

Seems he’ll be going to prison precisely because he has a hard time letting teenagers go.

Yeah. I really hate to see NFTs’ good name dragged through this.

I for one am flabbergasted. I refuse to believe someone as fine and upstanding as Logan Paul would do this.

oops you just failed your police officer exam

Go ahead and take your star(burns).

If you’re gonna do a fantasy story, you have exactly two choices for the central object: a magic sword or a magic ring. The remainder of the story is generated by AI. 

whenever elon isn’t on screen, nobody should be asking ‘where’s elon?’

If The Cramps had mass appeal and were “tiktok material” they wouldn’t be The Cramps. 

Counter-point: nah.

Debit cards

yeah god forbid she use other descriptors. c’mon now, steer away from the “well actually” bullshit.