Step one: Be my dad. 

Step one: Be my dad. 

I don’t recall the Stonewall Uprising or the Civil Rights Movement being icons of bipartisanship.

The *legislative* process might have been bipartisan, but the demands sure as shit weren’t. 

Leo “reached for his vaporizer and a pair of noise-canceling headphones, laid back and closed his eyes and signaled for her to keep going.”

No idea if it’s similar to Esther’s mom’s recipe, but I make this 40 times a summer. 

You’re not small, please never let them make you feel small. You’re great and will only become greater as you shed their influence. 

Oh, friend, I am so sorry. You are not the creature that your dysfunctional family tried to make you. You are lovely, and smart, and all the things they didn’t see in you. I admire you from afar; you’re funny and insightful as hell. You are not the small things your family made you into, you are amazing. I like and…

Andy, you okay? I’ve just had acute attacks of depressive and panic disorders, so I feel you if things are bad and you just need to have someone tell you that you’re okay and it’s not as bad as you feel like it might be. 

The upside is that if you get gross vibes from somebody, you can just delete your account and it’s like you never existed. I found it a lot lower-stress than OKC. Of course, it’s a lot more explicitly about banging, so that might not be something you’d be into! 

Want a weird one? I met my fiance on Reddit, looking for partners to write smut with.

Had to kiss a lot of frogs before I met a good ‘un, though. 

Do you know, does that person’s state have alternative driving skills tests? I was able to buy a thing where there was a package deal: Ten hours of driving lessons with this guy and then he administered the test; the only time the DMV was involved was me running up the paperwork and getting the license. Getting a…

I had to call on a then-boyfriend for this once when I had chronic c. diff and ruptured something. That relationship was never going to survive my illness, but I think that might have been the nail in the coffin. Thank you so much for taking care of your fella. I can’t tell you how much my caregivers helped when I was…

I don’t think it’s calling out misogyny that’s the problem with Cyrus, though. She showed up with her Disney princess credibility, stole a bunch of stuff she liked from hip hop (including some fairly gross hypersexualization, in my opinion!), made her money, then turned around and rubbished the whole genre.

I highkey really hope Mindy Kaling’s daughter’s dad is BJ Novak.

Thank you for joining me for this episode of my podcast, Things That Are None Of My Fucking Business. 

If I showed up to a first date showing tons of skin, that would set a very bad tone for the date.

Back in my day, “modesty ponchos” were just called condoms. 

It, like, never occurred to me that Planet Hollywood actually serves food. I thought it was just there for cocktails and punchlines. 

I’m so glad I could tip you to this culture war before you could accidentally wander into it! 

Are bobcats scarier than bears? Or only when you stink like fish?

Hah, I once had a summer job like that, except it was editing a vanity directory of “the best” professionals.

I tried to lecture the other editors on how to look busy after they took a 90 minute coffee break. They bullied me horribly for the rest of the summer.

I deserved it.

Good God. I hope you got to marry a Victorian hottie out of this arrangement, at least!