Hahaha, thanks.  I legit can still feel the horrifying sensation when I think about it, but at least it makes for a good punchline when I talk about my dating history. There’s NO explaining away Ivanka.

But he’s in a gay guy’s bed, so it’s okay.  Not that he’s trying to pull a ‘my black friend’ card, but just so you know, he’s totally in a gay guy’s bed and he’s totally okay with it and also he votes Democrat so whats the big deal anyway, huh?  /s 

I was just telling my coworker this morning about a woman I dated for a few months who, near the end of our blessedly brief relationship, held me down and forcibly licked my eyeballs.

He has a big head and a tiny face.

No. I understand where you’re coming from, but no.

Go fuck yourself.

True, but donkeys are everywhere in Egypt.  It is common to be in heavy traffic and get cut off by a cart full of vegetables being pulled by a donkey.  

I like ‘fit shake’. I’m picturing a really old man on a dance floor in a plaid button-up and all-white ortho shoes shaking wildly head to toe and yelling in rage while the geriatric DJ spins some Peter Paul and Mary.

This is true. But a really important difference is that we’re the only species that factory farms animal protein. I don’t have a problem with eating meat, but I do have a problem with how it is generally produced.  

as one sipped a Slim Fast that he mother put in her lunchbox.

That made my day.

I guarantee her and her father would question what the difference even is between those two things. She is equally shitty at both.

Greeted him only by slapping her hands on her cheeks and screaming.

I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t know that wiring your jaw shut was a thing, but I went on my first ‘diet’ when I was 6. That was in 1991. And it was entirely my idea—I was mimicking my mother’s behaviors and anxieties about her own body, which was (and still is) beautiful. :(

Thanks for planning my weekend for me!  :)

I guess we’ll never know, given how he was, you know, murdered. And all.

THANK YOU.  That’s the real takeaway here.  

I love you.

Did you stop reading the article at that point?  She goes on to talk about the issues of stigma and ‘paternalistic’ attitudes.  

Thank you.  :)  I actually applied to school very recently.  Fingers crossed I’ll be going back this fall!