And Cowboys. They love to go downtown. Find yourself a western bar and go crazy. You're welcome.

I am seeing the GF next weekend for the first time in three weeks.

i think it’s just part of being a Brian tbh.

.........are you watching me or something?

Yup! Sometimes my boyfriend is too tired to have sex-sex so he just goes down on me and then we go to sleep. I’M KEEPING HIM FOREVER!

This is the truest truth. I actually come easier and much harder from vaginal intercourse. But if a guy doesn’t attempt, without prompting, to mouth schuck my giggle oyster I'm pretty much done.

Don’t fucking tell me what to do.

Currently only available at locations in Seattle right now

- Find Mormons

Check.

what store can I buy my own version of you from?

Yeah, the old “I’m not eating pussy anymore because I’m way too good at it” canard.

repressed mormon sexuality will do a lot to you i’m learning

You are honestly the most beautiful human.

I hope she just literally peed on him because he’s the worst.

The day I decided I would not have sex with any man who didn’t first make me cum with his mouth was the day I left sexual purgatory and was admitted to Elysian Fields.

real conversation i’ve had with a tinder date

I would comment on the nature of his article itself, but I knew he was a world class bullshitter when he humble-bragged that on his very first trip to the snackateria, he managed to make his partner squirt.

I suspect he wouldn’t have called if the tip had been good. They were dicks, he’s a dick. No heroes here.

Color me the bad guy here. Of course those people were a danger and the right thing to do was calling the cops — but if the server had gotten a $30 tip on a $60 check, that wouldn’t have happened. Getting stiffed was the catalyst for this, not doing the right thing.