Jesus. I cried reading these. At work.

No shit. Pot got me through the Nixon years, booze with Reagan and straight tranqs saw me through GW. I sobered up with Obama, but fuck that. I plan on being drunk for the foreseeable future.

What will the letters to Melania be like?

While she won’t be FLOTUS anymore, if she stays in the public spotlight (please Michelle Obama, I beg you, please stay in the public spotlight), I would hope she could essentially act as a muse to fashion designers.

But remember y’all, Melania will finally bring class and style white skin* back into the white house.

Dear Melania,

Just a friendly heads up y’all, don’t engage with crazy conspiracy theory trolls, just flag ‘em as spam and move on with your day.

Seriously. If you’re doing something because you want to do it and believe in it, own it. Live it. Be proud of it.

You sure it’s for peace? Sure it’s not for fame and $? I mean, we all know that’s why 3 doors down is doing it.

OT, but in flipping through the news earlier, I caught trump and his wife getting off Air Force One (or two, whatever) going down the stairs and trump saluted a waiting General on the tarmac.

“the deal was reached a week ago, but has been kept ‘a big secret’ because Michele’s camp feared the seven days of criticism that would surely lead up the divisive President-elect’s big day.”

Rumor is Trump’s camp has been offering $1 mil to anyone willing to play. Seems like a lot of words to say “I wanted the money.”

In case you’re having trouble making out all the audio, here’s a transcript of how that all went down:

If Yankee fans had their way, current jersey numbers would have to use scientific notation.

It didn’t work on me either - which is strange because I am quite suggestible. I think in my case it was more how easily distracted I am. ‘Listen to the sound of my voice.’ ‘Huh, nice smooth voice and wow you have big pores in your nose, oh I have to remember to get tissues, did I leave the oven on? The house will be…

I’m beginning to think Satan is taking notes on staff selection from this Presidency.

tim kaine, al franken, murphy, bernie, bennet, elizabeth warren...

A reference to Immortan Joe, the main bad guy from the Imperator Furiosa movie that was titled Mad Max for some reason.

Watch the exchange below.

This harridan is bad for the kiddies.