There are clearly a lot of serious issues & questions here, but I just can’t take any organization that refers to itself as “The Machine” seriously.

I NEVER THOUGHT PAYING IT FORWARD PIZZA WOULD MAKE ME CRY SAD TEARS BUT HERE I AM, CRYING. OVER PIZZA GENEROSITY, THE KINDEST GENEROSITY OF ALL.

Speaking from a career of selling photographs on behalf of photographers who regularly shoot famous people:

I um... I hated this.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW FAST I'D JOIN THIS CULT

The best birth control is putting the dick down ladies

::stands and cheers::

If she'd have given her cat a different name it would be stabler.

escalatedquickly.jpg

That lost cat story – the one that was gone for 13 years – made me a little sad. Although it's a happy ending. Look at this kitten, this kitten will not steer you wrong:

UGH, YES. As someone who has worked for a county government department before... THIS THIS SO MUCH THIS. It's also why I absolutely adore Parks & Recreation. They think they're being absurd (re: shit like "more mayonnaise at the park concession stand or I'll impeach you!") but oh god... it's so accurate...

Thank you! Baby picture time!

Who, when it comes to money and fame, is more aspirational than Kim and Kanye?

"Stop asking me if my friends have any poop stories" is another page.

"A little thing that can turn into anything at anytime."

THIS IS THE GREATEST SONG EVER!

At least she looks good. I never look good when I get kicked out of places. Last week, when they kicked me out of that Arby's because I allegedly was allegedly drunk, all I was wearing was a 'World's Greatest Grandad' t-shirt and a pair of bedazzled leggings I stole from an ex-roommate who was in an Abba cover band. …

As an uncircumcised dude, this is news to me. I mean, I get the occasional hummer, and no one has ever been like "woah, no way skin-head, I aint going near that" or reacted in any way but positively. But, would I just be drowning in them if I was cut? Would blow jobs be raining from the sky? Would I literally be…