He hit on a girl. She turned him down. He shut up. She posted it to Instagram to shame him.

What made my jaw drop was this statement by Boomer: "Quite frankly, I would have said C-section before the season starts." Really. You would have said. So whether your wife has a major surgery involving the child she is carrying in her body is up to you. Not her. Not her doctor. You.

I feel like the music festival gene is something you're either born with or you're not because, honestly, even when people describe their good experiences I feel like I'd rather spend time in a scuba suit full of angry bees.

As a person who does not enjoy the outdoors, other people, or most incidences of live music (excepting musicals, operas, classical recitals, and anything else where I get to sit in an assigned seat in a climate-controlled room), I have no idea what the appeal of Coachella actually is. I can think of so many other…

The minute we start judging people for wanting to be there to see their children be born, then that is the minute we know something is wrong with our society.

Oh, you dirty chocolate, you. So very, very dirty. Bad, chocolate, bad. Get in my mouth, you filthy little bit of chocolate.

Thank you. People forget that HVIII was actually really serious about religion, wrote tracts about it and everything, and beyond religious reformation, there were political and financial reasons. I get a little punchy when people say he started the church just to get a new wife... and even if you wanted to go with…

"We took wood from one of your churches and then we turned it into a box which we've filled with seeds that we can't be bothered to identify." - President Obama

I love her comments on the gifts! "I hope this is unusual for you." "He'll appreciate that when he's older." I may never be queen, but I can at least look forward to the day I become a sassy octogenarian.

Too bad Prince Philip was there. I was hoping El Papa and Queen Liz drank it all and had sloppy old person sex all night long.

My brother taught my nieces to belch, and then instead of saying "excuse me", to say "that was a good one!"

Maybe Tyson should invite him on Cosmos to represent the religious point of view. Christians were certainly pissed off by a telling of the Noah story from the Jewish tradition, can't imagine what would happen if a Muslim was designated their representative.

Mine blames hers on her father, because they are identical. She is a hearty farter.

No - I have no problem if you admit that it's junk. But I see these people going, I'm going to be healthy today! And they post a picture of their chikin nuggets. Barf.

Eh, not surprising. Half of the vegetarians I have known were more like breadetarians, because they consumed massive amounts of carbs and actually hated most fruits and vegetables.

Aw, man. What about for a vegetarian who just doesn't eat meat because I don't like how it tastes? Now I've got all these health dramas AND I don't even get to be self-righteous about anything. Bummer.

Nobody lives "well into their hundreds" unless they're a frickin tortoise. Best we humans can manage is "barely into our hundreds".

Fuck it. Eat what you want. I don't fucking care as long as no one expects me to adopt their diet and eat like them. I don't like lecturing people or being lectured at the dinner table.

Cattiness? She duped an employee into carrying drugs for her. That was a felony. That is a straight-up bitch.

"smokes a lot of weed and is known for being difficult by those in the industry."