He’s a dangerous, dangerous man. Thank God Katie was able to escape from him.

This is never not funny.

Nothing about Tom Cruise surprises me. I mean, look what he did to Oprah:

Like picking a fight with the biggest guy, but right after he’s been to the gym???

Are they really putting it against Star Wars?

But I watched the video and he seemed genuinely shocked like he never heard of it before. I don’t think it is unrealistic to say that maybe Jon Stewart doesn’t read Gawker frequently.

I don’t know if it is my love for Stewart clouding my judgement, but it seriously just sounds like he admitted to never hearing those rumors before, which is believable because the only reason I know of those rumors is because of this site.

What is “debt free” ?

How big was that burrito? I'm having chicken tacos.

John Kasich is that guy one step above you on the corporate ladder who seems like a good mentor so you go out for drinks with him one day after work and he lays out his theory on ‘the blacks’ until you pretend your wife just called with a baby emergency.

Kasich is like that guy at work who seems like a reasonable human being when you meet him, but then later you find out he’s some weird masochism fetishist who likes being stung in the balls by jellyfish.

I feel like if you eat 51 bananas a day, your bowels are FAR from regular.

I think we do a major disservice when we depict animals like chimpanzees as basically people and tigers as large house cats and so forth. Most people have no idea how dangerous chimpanzees are, that they wage wars against other groups and literally tear enemy chimpanzees apart. There are light years of distance…

I think anybody who has a primate for a pet is a jerk and an idiot to the highest order. Same for big cats and most other exotic animals, if not all, honestly.

I liked Midnight in Paris but my favorite one of his more recent stuff, probably because it’s so different from his usual comedies, is Match Point. I thought it was a really good thriller, really dark and well done.

I love Midnight in Paris, and I forget that it’s a Woody Allen film since he’s not in it.

lol what a fuckin dingus.

I fuckin love Woody Allen movies but goddamn if him as a person just doesn’t make me want to pull my hair out.

That line made me want to crawl out of my own skin. Ughhhh.

And he seems a little confused about who exactly changed her life by adopting her from Korea.

When your first response to “how has your wife changed you” is “well, she gives me a lot of pleasure” ... that is not a healthy dynamic.