I think the league is fine with losing a few defensive players if it means keeping marquee quarterbacks playing.

I blame the injury on the airbag not deploying during the Carr crash.

Good. Can you imagine sitting at the thanksgiving table with this despicable Great-Gazoo looking motherfucker?

People like Miller were born on third base, but they act like they hit a triple.

A lot of people lied to get past the capricious and racist clerks at Ellis Island. My college roommate’s surname was that of the German guy ahead his great grandfather in the immigration line. After watching several people get refused, granpappy saw Mr. Schultz get let through. So he became a Schultz, too.

Whenever some old person says, “my grandparents came here legally”

Yeah, my dad is a “build the wall” type. His maternal grandparents came here from a part of Greece which is now Turkey, fleeing a massive genocide that occurred just before WWI. His paternal grandfather was from Lebanon and grandmother came up THROUGH MEXICO. It doesn’t matter how many times we review these details…

Whenever some old person says, “my grandparents came here legally” I ask them if we can go back to the same exact laws for gaining citizenship as their grandparents had. They don’t seem to like that for some reason.

while my nephew, Stephen, was famously recovering from the hardships of his high school cafeteria in Santa Monica

My father in law proudly displays his grandfather’s citizenship certificate. My father in law wants to “build that wall.” Anyhow, his grandfather came here from Austria in 1905. No, wait. He actually came from Italy as the part of Yugoslavia he was from was part of Italy. There were quotas so he lied to not get turned…

*clears throat*

One question I get from friends in Europe: Why do you play the national anthem before sporting events? Is it a game, or some government organized event?

I learned you could die of things other than old age from Goose in Top Gun.

We had this book when I was little but it was written in what I thought was French and I could not read it. No one in my family spoke or read French so I never knew what it was, it just sat on a shelf in my room. My sister took French in high school and so one day I asked her about the French elephant book. She did…

I literally just read this to my 3-year-old son last week and had the same experience. I had no recollection of the dead mom part, hit page three and was like ‘I guess we’re having this conversation now.’ He had a bit of a death primer from watching a bunch terrifying snakes tear apart an iguana on an episode of Planet…

In Russia, beer has too much Ovechkin.

Our boy Mookie, 23 pounds at his peak, was mostly the same. Sometimes, if he was sleepy, you could sneak a belly rub; otherwise, he “turned pointy,” and also had a bite-and-twist method that got ugly. In this mode, he was referred to as the “Mookie Fly-Trap.” It was especially sneaky, because he loved sleeping with…

Yeah but what kind of bear is best?

My fat cat is a good cat despite the fact he hates being rubbed on his invitingly fluffy stomach, to which he’ll turn into the raptors from Jurassic Park and start slashing. Rest in peace, Skeeter Duffy, may there be fluffy-cloud nap pillows and endless people-food scraps to pilfer in The Good Place for Fat Cats.

Fun story: My co-worker decided to sit down with a handle of Old Grandad and his .357. After finishing said handle, he did a bit of personal hygiene and put a round between his eyes. He didn’t call in sick for 3 days, so I called the cops to do a wellness check (he lived alone). They found him with his 5 cats hunkered…