(not really)

I hope he poked a couple of air holes in that bag.

“...eww...” indeed, my friend.

It’s high time we replace those outdated party mascots.

Samuel Jackson was overheard bemoaning this sad state of affairs:

So, Rubio is in to auto-erotic asphyxiation? That’s what he’s saying, right?

Yes. They want to watch this exact type of thing. They hope it airs every night, right after “Ow! My balls!”

The hot dog is a metaphor. America is the bun about to be screwed by one of those GOP wieners.

Oaklahoma! I love that musical! It’s a touching story of a young cowboy’s love for an oak tree. Timeless classic.

Little known fact: Kristen Bell is 3'5".

New Hampshire and South Carolina, apparently.

This may be the thing that finally makes me believe in God. A God that is a mean bastard troll, taunting me by creating adorable things that I can never, ever have.

Also my first thought.

I am shocked that there are two of them. Who knew? Not me!

You made me laugh, and now I am going to burn in hell, you magnificent sick bastard.

I agree! Also, as I replied to another poster, they are significantly less likely to rip off your face than a regular sized monkey.

Also, it’s too small to rip your face off like the regular sized monkeys.

Clever enough to get the joke, so that’s nothing to sneeze at.

But she is covered in tattoos of sliced-off middle fingers.

Unpossible. Pizza clearly does not rhyme with “Quackers,” making it unsuitable sustenance for the aforementioned Mr. Quackers.