In 2016, I bought a 2013 BMW X1 with 26,000 miles on it from CarMax for $21,500 (original sticker on it - which was amazingly still with the car’s records - was $39,995). I also got MaxCare out to 75,000 miles.

Nah. Just like every gas pump has an official seal on it, you put official tamper-proof seals on odometers. That way, they know your odometer reading is accurate the next year, and if there’s tampering, you got some ‘splainin’ to do.

Give thanks to the Flying Spaghetti Monster for this truly most jalopiest of all jalops. He has blessed us with his madness.

Yeah, there’s way too many so-called “confidential” programs in the house that are complete bullshit. Back before I came on active duty, one year when I was doing my annual training commitment as a reservist, a young sailor came to talk to me about the fact that she had been sexually assaulted by a chief, but she…

Well now, having lived in L.A., I’ve seen some stupid horseshit come out of the California state government, but this is a whole new level of what on God’s green earth are they thinking.

Well, apparently...

WAT.

“That’s cute,” says Talladega. “Now hold my beer.”

It sounds like you’re trying to tell the rich how to do something?

Hayden Lorell:

Didn’t do anything in my car today except go to Target.

How did you know about Aunt Bob? She’s very secretive.

I, for one, welcome our Doof Warrior lord and savior.

Are you for fucking real, my dude? He spent eight years being the punching bag for every dogwhistling shitlord in America, watched as his supposedly anointed successor got beaten by the king of the dogwhistling shitlords, and then tried to make sure that the Heat Miser WOULDN’T drive the country into the ground, all…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA suck it, Susan.

Well damn. I guess I should’ve foregone the minivan a decade ago and Felt The Excitement™ instead.

Give me Spacehog or give me death.

Well, here it is, the stupidest thing I’m going to see today.

Thank you for your reasonable and measured evaluation of what is decidedly a puerile and juvenile film. And now, if I may, a counterpoint:

No doubt a guest post from a certain former Jalopnik contributor.