Why does he always act like he tripped and fell and, whoops, his dick slid into someone on the way down?

I got an amazing price on Amazon, I’d never thought I’d have fancy pots and pans. I’m like Gollum with the ring now.

I completely understand your joy. I treat my post and pans better than I treat my family, whispering, “Guaranteed for life!” as I tuck them in their cupboard.

I bought a set of stainless steel pots and pans and if it’s possible to be in love with an inanimate object, I am. These will last a lifetime, and I can’t wait to throw my ratty, stained and peeling set of nonstick pans away.

i’ve been drunk enough to voluntarily eat Arbys, but never drunk enough to become racist.

“Homeless guy walks up to my car, yells at me and says insulting things.”

Not saying that Sinead would have been the megastar she thinks she would have been without tearing the picture up.

I’m sure they’re in the process of hatching the next batch soon.

Or, I AM JOAQUIN PHOENIX!

Butterflies are way more likely to leave you alone though. The horror of moths is not just that they’re gross, dirty and ugly, it’s that they dive bomb themselves into your face and hair and will keep at it even as you wildly try to shoo them away. I’ve never had a butterfly do that.

to some extent, I’m here for the show, knowing that it will be meticulously curated.

I.... have no idea where you’re going with that headline or this article?

I was once went on a road trip to Chicago with my friend and his girlfriend. As we were about to leave my friend told me that when they got back he would probably break up with her and he made me promise not to tell her. A little later my friend’s girlfriend told me that she was going to propose to him at the top of…

The fact that the NIH is willing to let the deal lapse without pushing for the millions of dollars they were promised is a sign of how broken the relationship with the NFL has become, thanks to the league’s heavy-handed attempts to guide the research. Though the NFL called the gift “unrestricted” when it was…

Sgt. Perok told TMZ that the cops involved in bungling the arrest won’t be suspended since they acted in good faith, and that there won’t be an internal investigation.

I still haven’t gotten over it, myself. Every time i see a picture of Dick Cheney, I think, “Jim Henson is dead. Dick Cheney is still alive. There is no God.”

Aren’t you obligated to post a picture for those who don’t know what “Goatse” is?