This is a woman who got through state dinners with Nixon and both Bushes - but she was much younger then, so even accounting for home field advantage and a millennia of being nice to people (whilst stealing their countries) it’s touch and go whether the Queen will get through the afternoon. I reckon she could fell him…

Like many things, the UK tries to copy America and always falls slightly short - just as our skyscrapers scrape less than yours and our burgers are less delicious than America’s - our overweight, overwrought, overpromoted, blond bully just isn’t in the same league as yours.

I honestly don’t think you’d have any problems in London. Like all big cities it has places you probably wouldn’t want to visit, but if you were to be a victim of crime it would be because people want your stuff rather than because of your faith.

I know, I know. I am shocked—shocked—to find that gambling is going on in here!

BTW. Because we’re going to hear a lot about it in the next couple of days. Trump’s repeated comments that the US is owed billions by other members of NATO...

Trump did his usual brand of diplomacy before jetting off to Europe. He lavished praise on former UK Foreign Secretary and excruciating international embarrassment, Boris Johnson.

It’s such a lousy location that it’s between MI6's headquarters and Apple’s new European HQ - fucking slum.

BTW America - we really like most of you, so if you want to come and visit this year have fun.

Don’t talk on the Tube, in fact don’t make eye contact! We’re a sensitive country of millions of tightly-packed, emotionally-repressed psychopaths still hankering after an Empire and just waiting for an excuse to wreak hideous violence/stern tutting on anyone who breaks the social norms.

You just know the bit about not being able to convict a sitting President was foremost in Trump’s mind when he settled on Kavanaugh.

Definitely some low-energy genetics in that bloodline. It’s entirely possible that the Trumps have fewer chromosomes than bankruptcies.

If the unseasonably amazing weather continues, mass mooning could cause the strangest health crisis in history as millions of people descend on Accident and Emergency with sunburned arses.

Haven’t sharks got a bad enough rap without this comparison?

Whereas Trump is the purebred child of a German pimp and something recovered from the plughole at an orang utan sanctuary.

Somewhere (preferably in Hell) Richard Nixon is sensing rehabilitation.

This ends after six or seven interminable hours in the building of a Death Star.

I’m just wondering what would be the proper reaction if this thing downed Air Force One by being sucked into a turbine?

We do get the fly the Trump blimp next week though!

What about the Cone of Silence?

Worst boy band ever.