I can’t even tell the teams apart because of those stupid fucking uniforms.

What percentage of people masturbate for the last time realizing they are doing so?

I think we’re really reading too much into this. She’s wearing a white dress. She just didn’t want to get Cheetos dust on her hands.

Does the suicide trick work for library fines, too?

To be fair, those stigmata wounds in his hands open easily.

Yeah, they just call that “day”.

I think what they are alluding to is that after 6pm there’s Mormon than women out at the local bars.

Sleeper pick

So if people feel that it has a medical benefit, the medical advisers have to tell you that. We have joint advisers...

There is an official beer of the NFL and every NFL team. Fuck this guy.

He was unfamiliar with the layout of the house because the owner had put on an addition unlike any other.

This guy has yet to make it through 12 steps, let alone an entire staircase. 

There is something to a concrete bowl that smells like stale beer and musty drains. It’s that mustiness that sets it apart from the smell of frat houses.

Wife: “How was your day, Joey?”

I agree 100%. Just substitute “unattended bicycles” for “citrus” and I’m exactly the same way.

Just had a nice chat w/ Jim Harbaugh about his khaki game. He upgraded to @lululemon pants and says, “I’ll never wear anything else.” Smart.

So it is not just cops that take a shot when your hands are up.

Drew Magary - [sees shorts]