Superbowl bound BITCHIES!!!

Waiting in line for Costco gas is not worth my inner type-A driver boiling over in impatience and rage.

Hard to believe this guy is ever in the right:

stick to swimming during thunderstorms 

Why’d you throw out the pot? It did it’s job and got you stoned enough to make whatever that concoction was you cobbled together then left on the stove.

Exactly, I gotta say my 8 year old nephew ruined my sisters second wedding.....I mean he would have if I hadn’t ruined it first with my drinking and behavior to toward the maid of honor

Not all heroes wear capes.

DeMarcus then broke his wrist hanging up the phone, and 9 months from now, his whole arm will fall off.

I do enjoy the complaint about run-on sentences within a 96-word, full paragraph of a sentence.

I think you got that backwards. Children use the dick hole of their underwear, the rest of us just push that shit down. 😀

You da real MVP.

This is the most wonderful thing ever filmed.

My GQ bosses at the time said my idea was fucking stupid

You okay, man? Need a glass of water or something?

Why, do the boxes taste better? 

If you need to talk, or just a shoulder to cry on, I’m here for you. 

Rob Gronkowski says he couldn’t sleep for weeks after a fairly routine hit in the Super Bowl

Legend

Dr. Lizardo, General Mills has made it quite explicit that Wheaties must be consumed for breakfast every morning in order to make one a champion. At no point has General Mills claimed, explicitly or implicitly, that a single serving of Wheaties would make one a champion. Were that the case, the world would be inundated…

I’m adding Michael Jordan as a co-defendant.