“I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.” - Mitch Hedberg

“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.” - Mitch Hedberg

I would star your reply, but it's currently at 69.

Because I’m an idiot.

I mean, what you really probably need is a truck, but when your neighbor offers to sell you his 2005 Porche 911 with 30,000 miles on it for $5000, that is what you buy.

“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.” - Mitch Hedberg

Take the hot dog, throw it out a fucking window. Eat anything else instead.

A second beer.

Hell, Man

You have to love the ref kicking the shit out of the guy.

I vote that you add the bear who ate that woman’s kayak while the woman kept addressing him as Bear like that was his name.

Hard to say - it was a Troicki situation...

He’s already demanded a trade to the Pirates.

Pictured: The one concrete statement about all of this.

I grew up on gravel roads in Alaska. I now live on a gravel road in Oklahoma.

In my Charger I do anything from 35mph (if new gravel recently put down), to 80mph (if the pot holes from the trucks line up).

You clearly don’t live anywhere near a rural area? Gravel roads are the only roads in many places. You drive as fast as the conditions allow, which is often 50-60 mph.

like everyone that lives on a gravel road? Have you never been in the midwest?

Everytime I drive a gravel road... There aren’t even posted limits on the gravel roads here, which means the default is 55. Do gravel roads not exist in your part of the planet?

Farmers. Grew up on a farm, this is pretty normal.