Yeah, we all know what you’re doing. You’re not clever.

Both of those people lived a century and a half ago. Are you seriously asking why the serial killer that WAS JUST CAUGHT TODAY is getting more press?

“I specifically asked for 3.7 ounces of butter lettuce, and this is 3.7002 ounces! Are you TRYING to destroy my career!”

I’ve only told this story to my closest friends. I haven’t even confided in my sister (for fear of the obvious shame). Please buckle in because this tale needs to be told in length.