I worked in sales for a software company, and part of my job was doing installations of drivers and stuff. I had a customer who I had gotten to know pretty well, and his wife on a nodding basis. They were a good-looking couple in their 40s and I in my 20s. The customer had asked me to come re-install something, and…

Oh god no. Please don’t go. Please don’t leave us. We’ll do anything.

It’s basically the Atwood quote, adjusted minorly, but yeah.

LEOFF 1?

I’m as skeptical and wary of police as many people, but don’t try to tell me that in this hypersensitive time, in which a police force led by an African American chief in a strong African American city, is going to start shit where there is no shit, and cause all the bad press that goes along with it. I don’t believe…

What about Crispin Glover in that Oliver Stone Doors movie?? He was delightfully creepily cute.

Wow, and all this time I was convinced it was your dad who was raping kids.

There’s basically about 10 types of tweets and all tweets fall into one of the categories. Abigail Breslin did the “mildly-self-deprecating, aren’t-I-just-a-normie-like-you? Relate-to-me!” tweet. It’s annoying.

Better to do absolutely nothing, because nothing ever changes right bro?

I'll go to the one in Woodinville in solidarity of chicken.

Pretty sure Big Avocado paid Mario some coin for that stupid tweet.

Little-known fact: The “boy” that they’re referring to in “The Boy Is Mine”?

That's so Stephen it's not even funny. He was always so wishy washy.

Trump for some reason just loves a guy who is bad at the job that he really wants to do and who has absolutely no chance of getting that job.

The whole story is bizarrely amusing. Don’t people realize who Kraftwerk is? It’s a German electronic band, who has been around since the 1960s. It’s a bunch of white German guys who are in their 70s. Some people might be imagining a Daft Punk or Justice show, but that’s not really it. It’s just kind of funny to…

Serena is an all-time great BUT: if you're injured, either withdraw and don't play, or else keep your mouth shut about the injury when you lose. When you choose to play injured, using the injury as an excuse for losing is lame.

Jesus, get over it. It’s pitiful to hold a grudge that long to the point that you heckle an old man. Seek therapy.

A guy online tells you, without any proof to back it up, that a “shit ton” of people were saying something. You accept it immediately as gospel because it confirms your general viewpoint. Don't you think this might be problematic?

I would have gone with “Does your current lumpy mattress wake you up earlier than Mohammed Atta? Then come on down!”

Know what falls down even faster than those mattresses? A straw man.