Lying to reduce his jail time! Watch father-in-law!

I’ve accidentally referred to my own brother as “Jude” because my brain was working too hard thinking ahead and combined “John” and “dude.” It’s also happened for other words, but that’s the example I can remember, and it’s not uncommon. Maybe he was just thinking about “Junior” as he was saying “King” and started to…

I mean, you come to my neighborhood where I’m from and you’ll see me take the shirt off my back and give to someone in less need. I mean, what would you call that?

For all the backlash that game got for the creator (allegedly) being a dick and JonTron voicing a character, it was one of the only games I’ve ever played that had me smiling the whole time.

But, I guess according to Owens, Ocasio-Cortez should have been saving all of her coins from bartending since she knew this day was coming.

Think magical girls but with a military spin.

He sprinted across the street to the First Baptist Church of Charlotte’s parking lot.

...isn’t even offering them anything they want for their $5 billion.

Hey, me too! Right from Kanye’s mouth.

Suspected terrorists. It’s easy to inflate those kind of numbers when you “suspect” all immigrants of being terrorists.

Abraham Lincoln himself told Trump he wanted the wall, with Frederick Douglass backing him up.

Cue the weebs claiming it’ll be better than the original...

He kisses her body and lightly fondles her breasts, as the audience hoots and hollers with approval. After, he asks her how old she is.

Nah, this kind of thing takes years of training and preparation to even begin to be ready to pull off. Why bother with that when you could hand a potentially unstable individual a gun and send them on their way?

From the Instagram photo, it looks like he’s a fourth degree black belt. Now, I don’t know about Karate, but I do know about Tae Kwon Do, and in that system, fourth degree is a “Master Instructor.” Fifth degree is a full-fledged “Master.” However, a fourth degree black belt would still require somewhere in the…

“I did it!” he will say. Or something along those lines.

“If they weren’t my generals, I’d’ve been all over them. And they’d let me do it, too.”

Asobi Asobase is a good anime about petty, garbage humans. It will have you in tears.

So long as there are parents to beat their beliefs into their children, these terrible ideas will live on.

I like how this started as “NXIVM collects information for blackmail, unlike Scientology!” and turned into “Catholic confessions aren’t collecting information for blackmail, like Scientology auditing!”