Look, it isn't Christmas until you taste that delightful tang of artificial cherry mixed with blood. It's one of my favorite holiday traditions.

Also, if you get too drunk, you can say you are "taking a nap" and you don't have to talk to anyone.

You've just described gingerbread houses at my place. Decorate, photograph, then immediately gorge.

Well, most of it, anyway. Then I wind up picking chunks off the husk for the rest of the evening (and when getting up to pee in the middle of the night) until I finally become disgusted enough with myself to toss it.

I like cherry flavored Candy Canes but I have to be careful eating them because they become shivs and they almost always stab me in the mouth.

NO! I quite like candy canes AND candy corn, but circus peanuts are satan's own packing material. They are rubbery orange wrongness.

motherfucker I AINT A DOG

Ugh! I need eye-bleach.

Ewwwwww imagine if your boss told you he jizzed in his ducky pajamas when he dreamed about you.

Normally, I disagree with you and your lists, but this is a good one and FUCK CHESTNUTS. Because fuck them, that's why. I was all "ooh chestnuts, let's do that" for some recipe or other a few years back and then I got halfway through the prep of JUST the fucking goddamned chestnuts and FUCK THAT. I think I had to…

That's your congressman and his ducky pajamas on the far right.

When dogs are ashamed to be photographed with you, it's pretty bad.

Tea partier.

Hopefully something consensual.

I...just...can't focus on this story. I can't get past the fucking photo. Look at that fucking face! Those dogs looks like they want to file a harassment suit too. Jesus. He could be the fucking stock photo poster child for sexual harassment.

Between his name and the expression on his face, are we 100% this isn't Flounder doing some kind of pledge week dare?

You say "gloopy pancake batter", I say "socially acceptable vehicle for bourbon before noon so I can avoid yelling at my racist family". The fact that it is absolutely gloopy pancake batter is just an unfortunate side effect.

I find eggnog an outstanding bourbon-and-brandy delivery system.

Growing up, I always thought the point of gingerbread houses was to make them, decorate them, take a picture, then destroy them with a hammer and put gingerbread and frosting into the mouth part of your face until you can't do that thing anymore. Then I discovered people who just decorate them and let them sit out…

Fine. Stupid Christmas. /Shares eggnog.

I will take all the eggnog myself. More nog for me.