I never stood for the pledge in school and was never physically assaulted for failing to do so. Maybe it’s because I’m white. Or that when asked I’d explain that only fascists try to get children to pledge their lives to a piece of cloth for a country owned by rich white men. My parents were radicals. Or maybe that I…

Stoney Chaney, civil rights fighter, attacked for exercising his first amendment right.

You are an opinionated asshole. Still much better than a foodie.

I always open a fresh bar of soap to wash the dirty one.

But now they’re dirty again because you just used them to get the dirty soap off your body.

So chew spit?

A friend’s family owns a company that makes frozen meatballs and so he’s always considered it his “mission” to taste every meatball he encounters to see how it stacks up or how they can improve their recipe. He calls himself an “entrepreneur and connoisseur of meatballs” and we laugh in his stupid face every time. But…

I thought all people who attended college were issued that poster upon registration? Either that one or the black and white Bono crouched down with a mic poster.

Are you my college roommate?

Yes, the “hoarder” who just wants his dish back is certainly the one with the problem.

And then onto Wichita, where he hit his groove as the BTK serial killer...

Listen Dan, anyone who refers to themselves as a “foodie” and even desires the title, despite the fact your food of choice is chit carnival food (which I’m not saying is bad, I will cram my face hole with deep fried oreos and jalapeno corn dogs), needs to take a hard look in the mirror and STOP. There is no worse way…

I told my (now) wife something early when we started shacking up: You can tell me what to do, or how to do it. But not both.

No, because I was in the shower, duh

So I clearly remember some wise guy bringing a bottle of Zima in a wino paper bag to school, and a bunch of us mooks sitting around the lunchroom table passing it around. Why that scene didn’t attract attention of the authorities, I’ll never know.

If you’re anything like me, you’re going to want a concise version of this fantastic recipe to type onto an index card and store in your favorite recipe box:

I like to boil my oatmeal in Dr Pepper until it’s extremely mushy. Then, I take and mix in milk, some raw uncooked oats, and gummy bears. Then open a can of tuna (the kind in oil) and give it a liberal drizzle of the tuna oil. Finally, I finish it with a large dollop of mayonnaise, vinagrette, and chocolate sauce,…

This is, of course, the only correct answer to the question "How do you make oatmeal good?" Adequate Man should hire you to rewrite this post.

Oatmeal............YUM!

Sweet fucking jesus, have you read the nutrition facts on that shit? A serving (a whopping QUARTER CUP) is 135 calories. No adult human eats less than a cup of cereal in a serving, making this shit 540 god damn calories for a bowl. A big mac is 550 calories. A cup of lucky fucking charms is 142 calories.