The staunchest Trump supporter in my family is rabidly pro-life and her support for Trump is rooted in the belief that he will outlaw abortion. According to my mother, said relative had at least 2, probably 3, abortions in her 20s. But that was different because she’s Jesus-y now.

He’s also an open homo sapien and practiced thespianism in college. 

Really? I thought I gave the game away by beginning: “As a smart and serious opinion-haver...”

Trump Ice

As a smart and serious opinion-haver, I know to take Trump seriously but not literally. Has he literally destroyed Turkey’s economy in the past? No. However, he has destroyed Atlantic City’s economy so we should take his threat seriously.

The entire library collection will be a giant painting of Trump, some old People Magazines, and a gold toilet. 

So what President Warren will need to do when she moves into the White House is have the staff wash all the towels on an extended cycle with hot water and vinegar. Then run them through a second cycle with regular detergent and borax. Probably just shove an entire box of dryer sheets into the dryer as well to…

Probably because Trump still doesn’t understand the Department of Energy isn’t involved in fossil fuel policy. In fairness that’s true of about half the Republican Party but then again Sarah Palin wantin’ to unlock all our good ‘Merican energy you betcha and the like aren’t actually the president.

I mean all Susan Collins wants is a taped phone call of Donald Trump saying: “Hello, good sir. Let’s now commence our High Crimes and Misdemeanors.” Also if a credible eye witness could corroborate what was said on the tape and that Trump was the one saying it.

If it was the good old days, I’d get to spend an hour spewing bullshit with woke hero Oprah.

I make it a point to avoid coke-heads because I’m an adult now but Donald Trump reminds me of every coked-up sack of shit I encountered during my salad days. Trump is on a lot of coke, isn’t he?

I like to think he’s just smooth down there. Like a Ken doll. “Blank strap” is an anotomically correct description of the kind of strap he wears. 

How about if a freshman backbench representative used the f-word? We don’t even need to imagine that batch of feigned outrage from dishonest old white dudes because Mitch Albom is still overpaid to churn out shlocky columns for a dying newspaper.

First off, this Bob Dylan whose real name is Zimmerman, alright? It is. A lot of people don’t know that. I did. His real name is Zimmerman. It’s true. He says he’s Dylan but he’s Zimmerman. But that’s ok. It is. I mean, it’s not, but if he wants to be called Dylan, that’s fine. We can call him Dylan even though his…

No.

I would love to see the presidential candidates compete on Card Sharks. Just imagine Trump playing for the Big Money:

Jim Perry: Ok, Mr. President, higher or lower on this 3?

Crowd: Higher! Higher!

Trump: Well, Jim, I think there is a big, beautiful 2 right there. Many, many people say so. It’s got to be a 2, so bet it…

As a member of the Coastal Elite (Big Ten branch office) I take Trump literally but not seriously, so I’ve always assumed what Trump meant by “drain the swamp” was a plan to pave over the Chesapeake Bay watershed and build a casino.

Kamala Harris is a cop. Instead of trying to pack the entire Trump administration into already over-crowded prisons, we should engage them in a restorative justice process that helps them understand they have been made mere pawns of a patriarchal system of injustice so they may begin an authentic process of atonement.…

Trump’s use of the phrase “perfect call” is such an interesting linguistic crutch.

It’s a transparent non-denial denial. “Perfect” doesn’t mean the same thing as appropriate, ethical, or above-board. Indeed, if the purpose of the call was to deliver a veiled threat to the new Ukrainian president (NARRATOR: It was) one…

Again, the President of Ukraine said there was NO (ZERO) PRESSURE PUT ON HIM BY ME. Case closed!