If it was the good old days, I’d get to spend an hour spewing bullshit with woke hero Oprah.

I make it a point to avoid coke-heads because I’m an adult now but Donald Trump reminds me of every coked-up sack of shit I encountered during my salad days. Trump is on a lot of coke, isn’t he?

I like to think he’s just smooth down there. Like a Ken doll. “Blank strap” is an anotomically correct description of the kind of strap he wears. 

How about if a freshman backbench representative used the f-word? We don’t even need to imagine that batch of feigned outrage from dishonest old white dudes because Mitch Albom is still overpaid to churn out shlocky columns for a dying newspaper.

First off, this Bob Dylan whose real name is Zimmerman, alright? It is. A lot of people don’t know that. I did. His real name is Zimmerman. It’s true. He says he’s Dylan but he’s Zimmerman. But that’s ok. It is. I mean, it’s not, but if he wants to be called Dylan, that’s fine. We can call him Dylan even though his…

No.

I would love to see the presidential candidates compete on Card Sharks. Just imagine Trump playing for the Big Money:

Jim Perry: Ok, Mr. President, higher or lower on this 3?

Crowd: Higher! Higher!

Trump: Well, Jim, I think there is a big, beautiful 2 right there. Many, many people say so. It’s got to be a 2, so bet it…

As a member of the Coastal Elite (Big Ten branch office) I take Trump literally but not seriously, so I’ve always assumed what Trump meant by “drain the swamp” was a plan to pave over the Chesapeake Bay watershed and build a casino.

Kamala Harris is a cop. Instead of trying to pack the entire Trump administration into already over-crowded prisons, we should engage them in a restorative justice process that helps them understand they have been made mere pawns of a patriarchal system of injustice so they may begin an authentic process of atonement.…

Trump’s use of the phrase “perfect call” is such an interesting linguistic crutch.

It’s a transparent non-denial denial. “Perfect” doesn’t mean the same thing as appropriate, ethical, or above-board. Indeed, if the purpose of the call was to deliver a veiled threat to the new Ukrainian president (NARRATOR: It was) one…

Again, the President of Ukraine said there was NO (ZERO) PRESSURE PUT ON HIM BY ME. Case closed!

You’re welcome.

Cool story, bro.

A couple years ago, even the most constructive and nuanced criticism of Hillary Clinton was denounced as the worst kind of sexism by her dead-end supporters and yet bros can attack Nancy Pelosi at the literal start of the game FOR DOING A STRATEGIC THING THAT MIGHT WORK and no one bats an eye.

Representative Robert Drinan drafted the first articles of impeachment against Nixon. The charge was the bombing of Cambodia.

Tell you what, drop the dime on me as the whistleblower. I’ll play along until we get paid and we can split the $50K.

Oh, that was easy. After class he wandered over to the Jewish frat and offered one of their members some of Fred’s money to write the papers for him. Unethical and racist, a perfect Trump move. 

Devin Nunes believes the Democrats are hunting for nude pictures of Donald Trump and he’s worried they won’t share them. 

My favorite are the straw partisans that claim they’re doing it for the disabled community. During a Facebook conversation on the topic someone who does actual PT work with disabled person chimed in that the ADA and other rules will ensure straw bans have exceptions for the legitimate needs of disabled people. Someone…

It’s like in the Godfather when Vito Corelone returns from the hospital and his grandchildren give him homemade get-well cards. Except those kids were like 6 and Vito was good at his job, faithful to his wife, and operating with no illusions about who he was or what he does.