That’s the sort of sequence that would shake Dalton to his soul if, well, you know....

Not Pictured: The exact thing that the title of the article specifically refers to.

Now, now. Let’s wait until we have all the facts. Which proves to be difficult, because he keeps generating new facts. 

“This just in; More evidence emerges that guy who always seemed really shitty and was liked by all your shittiest acquaintances is really really likely to be a shitty person.”

Poor dude's only seen 27 championships.

Sir, that’s not a banana suit, it’s a yellow pantsuit. And this isn’t a Pac 10 game. It’s a Lane Bryant.

Good, I didn’t want to have to see the McClatcher vomiting the football into the mouths of its young after a successful return.  

David Attenborough. Richard only commentated on dinosaurs.

“Lay down and hide” has been my work strategy for 15 years. The trick is to not get caught.

Hey, stop trying to impress me with your knowledge of Middle Eastern geography.  I’m American; we don’t worry about that stuff.

Batman and Robin actually filmed those scenes on flat ground with the camera rotated 90 degrees, so no, that won't work.

Yeah, I thought that was an odd way of phrasing it. 

Seriously. Rethink the fucking lede of this story. Dude’s “gift” was not dying from making such a shitty, irresponsible fucking decision.

I felt bad that maybe I *had* stolen from you, but upon further inspection of the grey comments, you made zero fart jokes, my friend. Zero.

Carson Wentz looks like if Sid from Toy Story grew up to be an assistant branch manager at Wells Fargo

Elizabeth’s grandpa sounds great. The McRib detail really elevates it.

From Reddit:

Say what you will about Jill Ellis’s decision making, but not playing your 37 year old aging star for all 630+ minutes of game time was probably a pretty sound decision. 

Cheez Whiz is a war crime.