He ain’t no glamour boy— he’s fierce!

“... and when I hung up the phone it occurred to me, my boy was just like me yeah, my boy was just like me...

Don’t blame me. I wanted to sign Kodos.

And unlike his vasectomy, this cut might be permanent.

Don’t worry, he’s just getting to character, as:

The Toxic Clevenger

Sure are a lot of fans of tobacco chew in Minnesota.

Well then I’ll be damned if that security guard didn’t look down his gun at me and say “I need about three fiddy”. Well it was about that time I noticed the other guard was a mop with a bucket balanced on the top and the gun was an under cooked Portuguese sausage. So I said look here you damn Lochness monster, I ain’t…

And then Lochte killed the dragon....

At least they didn’t kill Jimmy.

You could swap Lochte in for Kanye and the episode wouldn't miss a beat

MOOOOMM!!! MOOOMMMMM!! MOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
GET DOWN HERE!!! MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!
The mean Brasillian assholes stole my money, and threw me down on the ground, and put their guns on me, and the other swimmers too, but most importantly MEEEE!!!
I can’t believe they did that!!! To MEEEE!!!

Including him saying “Screw you guys, I’m going home”.

+1 if you can add a fish-sticks reference.

Wait, so in this version Ryan Lochte fucked up someone elses property, acted like an asshole, and didn’t actually lose any money. He is the Trump of Urinegate 2016.

So Lochte basically told the Cartman version of the story

With a pinpoint head comes pinpoint accuracy