I abducted Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, and John Stamos, tied them up, drugged them, and drove them to an undisclosed location in the back of my ice cream truck. Then I forced them at gunpoint to run a train on me, and I shot Dave in the leg because he couldn't maintain an erection under those circumstances.

I had intended to watch this episode, but I didn't get home in time. I kicked in the door at Pac-Man's house, held a gun to his head, and forced him to suck me off while Ms. Pac-Man watched, and then I got caught in a traffic jam on the way back.

What a coincidence. I just saw Shia LeBoeuf last night. Me and him got together and tag-teamed your Down's Syndrome son out behind the dumpster at the loading dock where I work. I guess someone heard his confused grunts and called 911 or something, because a couple of police cars rolled up just as I was blowing my…

I know that's what they said after the fact, but it's a little too convenient of an explanation to be completely believable. Seems just as likely to be revisionist history.

Sure. Or maybe, like millions and millions of other people throughout the world, they gradually evolved over a span of several decades from douchebag twentysomethings to mature middle-aged men.

There's no condoning this, but let's at least acknowledge that these events happened a quarter-century ago. Meanwhile on the other coast the Beastie Boys were making the transition from "Girls to do the dishes/Girls to clean up my room/Girls to do the laundry/Girls, and then the bathroom" to "I wanna say a little…

Corey: "Prince is a world-class nutcase just like me, yet he manages to be a brilliant musician anyway. How does he do it? Hmm… maybe it has something to do with that ridiculous-looking shorthand he uses when he writes. Maybe I'll try that!"

They may not have the flesh, but they WILL make you scream.

Lisa Loeb… oh man. Terrible music, but the cover shot of this article gave me wood.