I created an account just so I could comment on this, because I’ve been saving up this story.

My in-laws are super conservative, I am not even a little. On Christmas Eve my father-in-law came home from work wearing a pin. I asked what it said, and he said, "it says 'you can wish me a Merry Chrismtas'". He and I have had many, many discussions about The War Against Christmas, so I rolled my eyes in a manner…

So, I constantly have to remind myself that this did happen, these words came out of my mouth, because hot damn it was good.

Unfortunately the sickest burn I’ve ever heard was directed at me by my five-old-nephew. So during March break a year ago my parents and I were looking after him for my brother and sister-in-law. We took him to the Royal Botanical Gardens one day and on our way back as I’m buckling him into his car seat this happens:

I’m a very tall lady — 6’2” to be exact. As such, I’ve attracted my share of insecure men who haaaaate it that I am taller than them and aren’t shy about letting me know it.

I was very badly bullied at school so I gave as good as I got. One dudebro in particular kept harassing me, so I accused him of bedding sheep. Simples. All through high school, nasty sleazy stuff from him, I rejoined with my sheep-fucker insults. They were awesome! We have a very strong repitoire of sheep related…

Best one I ever heard was during my undergrad years in the mid-1970s. Two of my friends (both male) were having one of those silly dorm arguments that isn’t anything serious or hateful, and in fact isn’t even about any memorable subject; each participant just refuses to let it go until he feels that the other has…

My last real job before I became blissfully/stressfully self-employed was a city government job for just the worst person ever. Our director was racist, rude, condescending, constantly lying about anything and everything, would always one-up you in whatever story you were telling even if it made absolutely no sense…

Hmm, I’m sure I’ve done better, but my last bf was a total dick and I think I got in one decent burn. Over a year’s time together I gained 6 lbs. Yes a whopping 6 pounds. He had the gall to ask me if “I’d asked my doctor about my weight gain.” After I picked up my jaw and started to defend myself, saying no one else…

Thought of another!

My parents paid for my undergrad but I’m still paying for law school. This is important context. My father is an asshole - even people who like him think he’s an asshole. One evening he called ( probably on his fourth JD) and wanted free legal advice about screwing over my mother in some aspect of their divorce. I…

From The Olden Days, when I was young and hot: a woman my mother had taken some classes with accosted me at the coffee shop where I hung (this was in the ‘80s, when coffee shops were a bit more real). On a good day, this woman looked like a melted toad who’d been finger painted by especially cruel and talentless…

I have a small, adorable puppy dog who LOVES everyone. One night, as I went to take my garbage to the trash chute on my apartment floor, she scooted out the door before I shut it and ran down the hall. At the same time, an older woman opened her door, and when she saw my dog running down the hall she slammed her door…

My maternal grandmother was, by all accounts, difficult, which was the polite way to say, a bitch and proud to be one. She was, therefore, the queen of disses. Her most glorious burn I heard was when I was in high school. I have a sort of unusual first name, so much so, there was just this other girl in town with the…

As a teen male, I wore nail polish and upon seeing this, my uncle's girlfriend said "You're starting to look like a girl." I replied "I was just about to say the same to you."

A friend of mine used to routinely get dick picks in college. Unsolicited and unwanted. So she started saving them, and every time she got one, she’d send a DIFFERENT dick pic back. The guys would always be horrified and say something like “I wasn’t expecting that/didn’t want that” and she’d always respond with “Yea,…

My great-grandmother was a tiny (like 4’9”) Russian woman who, according to my father, knew EVERYONE in upper Manhattan. She would take my dad to Central Park and they always ran into people she knew. Very kind, charismatic woman. But she was a badass, too.

I must add a family favorite. For background, my mom was a teacher and my dad was not. My parents were in an argument and my dad said to my mom, “So are you trying to teach me a lesson?” to which my mom replied, “No, you’re too stupid learn anything.” BURN. I can’t believe they are still married.

I once worked with a truly malignant troll; he was like Biff Tannen, without the intellect or wit. Once, when there were no witnesses around, he came at me, literally screaming – red faced, spittle flying, fists clenched, with the implicit threat of physical violence – because I had picked up a muffin left over from a…

Me to Coworker as he’s sitting around doing absolutely nothing: “Hey, Jake. What are you doing?”