I was late for French (2nd year college so everything was in French all the time), and said, upon entering class, "Pardonnez-moi! Beaucoup de traffique." Everyone nodded except the professor who laughed, and we all looked at her, frowning. She said, "En Francaise, 'traffique' est... drugs."

When I was in my late teens, my mom had been divorced from my father for several years and started dating again, but did not want my brother and I to know that she was in a new relationship, because she thought it would traumatize us like it does seven-year-olds in the movies or something. We had no particular loyalty…

I had an employee who I wasn't allowed to fire because her mother was the EA to one of the self-important people, I mean an executive. There was about a 10% chance of her actually showing up for shifts. Her excuses, however, were beautiful. I can't recall them all, but I do remember the escalating order:

A friend's former co-worker and I had gone out on two dates, but after that, I realized that I just wasn't that interested. I did the grown up thing and explained that while he seemed to be a nice individual, I just didn't want to continue things. I figured I wouldn't hear from again and we would move on with our…

At my last place of employment, we had an employee who was just a laughably bad pathological liar. In reviewing his extensive disciplinary history to issue him discipline on an unrelated matter, I came across my all-time favorite excuse. This particular employee was supposed to carry a radio and be available on the…

This isn't that lame, but I think it's the funniest excuse I have heard. I was at work sitting in the boss's office when an employee came rushing in late. The boss asked why.

No lie, I am regularly late to work for a variety of reasons, but one of them is absolutely that it makes my cat grumpy when I leave. When I wake up she always comes over to cuddle and purr, and if I abandon her to get ready for work she pouts and does the angry cat tail swish of doom.

My best friend had organised to meet a dude she'd met on MySpace. She was well nervous and asked me to chaperone in case he was a murderer. My boyfriend was on call to provide a bail out excuse if needed.

Easter, like 5 years ago. My sister had, until this point, refused to acknowledge me as her relative on FB. It didn't bother me too much but when she started using it to let everyone know about family gatherings, I got more than a little annoyed. How hard is it to add me then block me from seeing everything but group…

My wife just said, after I read this to her, "If I were the health teacher, I wouldn't have gotten him in trouble...but I would have tossed my lesson plan for the day, and conducted an impromptu class on communication, consent, confidentiality, and sexual ethics. 'Thank you, (name), for suggesting the topic of…

this is one I actually used. I was five years old, playing with my cousins at my Babcia's house. She was making dinner and was a terrible cook. When she called us in for dinner, I told her I couldn't eat because I was sick. She asked what was wrong, and I told her it was prostate cancer.

I was asked out by a guy in college who I didn't really like. Instead of being an adult and telling him "no thanks," I said yes, then cancelled the day of the date. My excuse: I fell asleep on a decorative pillow and my face was waffled from the pattern.

I was a manager in a large call center and the best call in I ever received was "I can't come to work today because I don't have a comb."

One time a boy I liked in high school told me he couldn't hang out with me because he had just gotten his hair cut. I texted him about hanging out in the early afternoon, inviting him to hang out with me and my friends that night (I think I texted him at 2 PMish to ask if he wanted to chill at 7 PMish). He told me he…

Upon regularly explaining to my ex why I don't want him to promise that he will call our son at a specific time or date (because he goes at least a week between any sort of contact with us and winds up letting down a little kid), he regularly replies:

I just get so bored. There isn't anything to do. I'm so lonely. I…

I had a co-worker that would fake an asthma attack whenever he didn't want to work, this would happen about once a week. He also would refuse to dust any of the fixtures because of his asthma. One time he was in the (empty) break room and another employee walked by and heard him on the phone saying he was leaving…

My husband's excuse for not putting away the dishes out of the dishwasher: "I don't know where they go."