I’ve never read that piece, but now I worry that Amy Sedaris needs more fibre in her diet.

Phone calls on the shitter always reminds me of this David Sedaris bit.

Well I’m going to be more careful NOW since apparently this is an indignity that’s worth millions in potential damages.

I gotta say, secret pro tip for anyone else who occasionally needs to take a leak during a long call, don’t piss into the water. If you piss against the side of the bowl its a lot quieter.

Who the fuck hasn't? 

The dog is rightfully pissed that the Secret Service conveniently made their texts from January 6th disappear. A dog knows what’s up!!!  

Honestly, removing Commander Biden from the White House sounds like a Conservative miscommunication akin to the Four Seasons Landscaping snafu.

Commander is Joe’s most loyal protector. Clearly, there must be some sketch individuals at Secret Service, which—-after Jan 6th does not surprise me.

Yeah, I guess the argument could be made that potentially most of the humans he’s interacting with are these agents or something (doubtful, but whatever) but I genuinely do wonder if he’s responding to their body language/demeanor/attitude in general, not just towards humans he feels he needs to protect. 

Secret Service guys don’t like someone not flinching at their scowls and Commander doesn’t like people working his side of the street and giving him the stinkeye.

LOL I know plenty of people who haven’t moved on from 9/11, and while I don’t know for sure, I’d guess the primary reason is that we never removed or dealt with the underlying cause. Two decades, billions of dollars and thousands of soldiers’ lives later, the Taliban is still running wild in Afghanistan ruining the…

“Well, I’m a mother too. I know what you’re experiencing, and we’re all very afraid for our children—even if they’re exaggerating,” Casey reportedly told her...

It’s still not gonna make me care about “the integrity” of a dress that the president’s movie star mistress sang happy birthday to him in 60 years ago, but sure. 

It turns out not everyone loves to see two queens maximizing their joint slay—especially if the slay in question is Kim Kardashian wearing Marilyn Monroe’s iconic sequin gown.

Don’t worry. She’ll get around to fucking up something you care about eventually.

I can’t stand the Kardashians but I also do not give a shit about this fucking dress.

McFadeAway

Yeah, I’d always wondered if he happened to be a perfectly nice fella with an over-the-top stage persona (like, say, Alice Cooper). Turns out he was just a regular asshole who uses his ‘art’ as cover for sociopathic/abusive behaviour.

According to the LA Times, he is being investigated by the LA County Sheriff’s Department’s Special Victims Bureau. 

I just wish I could star that twice.