I toggle between having "Pinot Noir, midsize car" and the theme song ("They're alive, damn it! It's a miracle!") playing in my head constantly.

If corporations are truly people, McDonald's is the guy who takes five ones on the table at the start of the meal, announces that it's the tip, and pockets one for every time the waiter's groveling is insufficient.

I hate when people overdraw their lips, it just never looks good.

Then you did actually learn something... that you are into lip gloss fetish videos.

Every day on the internet I trade a little innocence for knowledge.

Rihanna is such a fucking queen even the women are fighting over her. SLAY. You know you've got it when goddess Naomi Campbell is putting it on the line for you. But who can blame her when they create this kind of fucking MAGIC together?

God DAMN

Ummm.... Not to alarm anyone, but I'm pretty sure Amber Rose is actually Aphrodite. She hits all of the marks.
Also, how the Hell does someone look that perfect?

I've been studying poisoning plots in the 18th century lately so my first thought is WHO USES POISON IN THE 21ST CENTURY??

I worked the drive thru at McDonald's as a teenager. I was the perky, "Have a super day!" girl on staff that I'm sure everyone hated. I'm positive they were staring at my back, silently wishing the swift and inevitable crushing weight of adulthood on my chipper demeanor. Who could blame them?

As someone who, for reasons I don't understand, can't stand cheeseburgers and has to verify "without cheese" at every single restaurant, the greatest moment of my life was when we went to a kosher restaurant near my friend's apartment, and I start explaining to the guy that I want a burger with NO cheese, like I…

Madge I'm really happy for you and I'm gonna let you finish, but Częstochowa has the greatest Black Madonna of ALL TIME.

To be clear, Jack White didn't play Elvis in *a* film.

My knee-jerk reaction was shouting, "QUIT IT, KATY, QUIT IT."

Oh! And my Go Bag came in super handy when I left that psycho, too :-) $585, passport, 3 days of clothes

My husband was also my high school sweetheart for 3 years, and back in the day he was a super prolific love letter writer - 5-8 page letters, written on scrolled paper & tied with red ribbons - they were FANTASTIC. We broke up & went our separate ways for 10 years, during which time I married another [really horrible]…

$45 Is it made from wax from the Dalai Lama's ear!? Or Amniotic fluid or something?!

"Well, Mr. President I'm sorry that today isn't what you were expecting and I agree that History will almost certainly remember her as being the most important member of the Scooby Gang but Selma, sir, is the city in Alabama"

Serously... froyo.... on churros... that's like... like... like a funnel cake bacon cheese tofu patty burger.