oh god this is my fave thing ever

*weeps quietly into her own book contract which took years and years of education and work to get and will not make her any money to speak of*

Clearly your daughter is a high-functioning psychopath. If she'd chosen a softer fruit to emulate, I'd say she's fine, but pineapples are a textbook early indicator.

Jesus these administrators are so fucking stupid. Everyone knows you say "pew pew" when you're playing games and "bang bang" when you really mean business.

Dunham has never stumbled upon a topic of conversation that she couldn't turn within four sentences into a point about how clever/awesome/special she is.

You guys. I get why I'm supposed to stop hating Lena Dunham so much. She gets a disproportionate amount of criticism for being outspoken and not having Hollywood looks and being brave enough to present female antiheroes and so on. But why does she have to be so awful all the time? "I'm not crazy, it's the world that's…

Yeah, I usually roll my eyes pretty hard any time I hear someone say "god told me to!", because there is like a 99% chance that whatever they're doing is hilariously batshit.

But...there are people who hate Panera?

Nope.

YES THANK YOU. I have been very disappointed by the way Amanda Bynes' coverage has gone down on Jez lately. Also, Mark is a treasure. TREASURE.

So Angelina is now obligated to come and fight if the French invade, right? Her, Elton John, Judi Dench, Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan, all in the same armored cavalry division. Someone make this happen, with the stars playing themselves as literal knights.

Well, the regular doctors don't...but surely the excellent superb doctors do! How else would they ever find the mold under the kitchen sink?

Next thing you're gonna tell me that it's not always lupus.

Wait, you mean doctors DON'T routinely order spinal taps when a patient shows up with a weird rash??

My dad's a doc and he couldn't watch any doctor shows, but especially House. It always sent him on a ranting tear about the unbelievable unethicality of House's methods and how no hospital in the world would give him privileges.

Everyone stop telling everyone else to shut up. According to several sources, including my 2nd grade English teacher, "shut up" is a curse word.

I mean, I feel like ANYone that crazy white wingers disagree with is a "nazi." It's their go-to insult. Rather than, you now, engage in intellectual discourse, they try to discredit their opponents by associating them with the worst types of people in the history of human civilization.

Fuck cupcakes. #notallfeminists

Why do animal activists only protest humans? You never see them picketing, say, a pack of wolves. Damned speciesist wolves. Go ruin their lunch!