Thanks for getting the “angry idiot doesn’t understand a joke” comment out of the way.

Johnson technically is not allowed to retire. He is locked into a two year contract on my fantasy football team and you better believe I will take him to court if he refuses to play.

“Listen, head office said they felt bad for me, so they set me up with this gig and told me it was hourly. Now, I pride myself on doing the best job I can - but when you’ve got a two week window to get the thing done and they’re paying you for every minute you’re on that field, well, that’s an invitation to buy…

That’s because the Broncos will own both end zones! - Fake hubris from scared shitless Broncos fan

No, your parents taught you right. They didn’t want a lazy kid with weak legs. The half-squat stance is best for proper clearance, wiping angle, and it also works your thighs and glutes. I’m thinking sit-wipes are too lazy to perform this simple maneuver. Yes, I’m sit-shaming.

I don’t even comprehend how someone wipes without standing up! I mean it’s not like all the way erect, squeezing your cheeks together, and then smacking your ass with paper. It’s more of a mid-squat with the knees bent at close to a 90 degree angle. Wiping while sitting? There’s not enough open space around the rim to…

Wait, you stick your hand down into the toilet you just shit in to wipe? What if it made a pile higher than you expect? Or, especially if it’s an unfamiliar toilet, the top is closer to the water than you’re expecting?

Not only is Ticket Exchange a scam, but once you sell your tickets on the NFL’s approved website, you are still responsible for what happens in your seats. We sold our Ravens tickets through it one, and the completely random person who bought them got drunk and kicked out of the stadium. Since the PSL license is ours,…

Wait, the fact they were lepers and discriminated against elsewhere was an urban legend? I thought that was a super obvious part of the story.

That mistake was bad and you should feel bad.

Have you ever ranked or reviewed any of the hard root beers? Man, that is some dangerous goodness right there. Mission makes one that’s like 8 percent! (Fortunately, it tastes sort of awful.) Not Your Father’s Root Beer is my favorite so far.

I see a potential drinking game there!!

I read a short profile on Phil Simms and there was a part where he is alone and diligently watching tape of all the games and thought how truly sad that was.

If there’s one thing about this Super Bowl to look forward to, it’s that Cam Newton and Von Miller will be on the same field.

Fans of the Seattle Seahawks have gained a reputation at not dealing well with losing, which is weird, because they had all of recorded human history up until about 2003 to get good at it.

Probably because the joke has nothing to do with violence.

THe Broncos in the 80s beat the Browns in 3 AFC championship games led by Elway. Learn history

Public Enemies in Cleveland

Giselle: “My husband cannot throw the fucking ball and catch balls in the face at the same time.”

That was the story of Sunday - Patriot goes for a 2, disaster ensues.