Just before the final out, my 95 year old grampa, veteran of two wars, cancer survivor, and long-suffering cubs fan, pulled me aside and, with a tear forming in his steel grey eyes, said, “The blacks ruined this neighborhood and your sister dresses like a whore.” This was for him.

Because nobody has yet, I would like to take the opportunity to advocate for people adopting regular, run-of-the-mill shelter pup mutts. There are lots of great animals out there—one for everyone I'm sure—and you can visit with them at the local animal control place and pick one that you get along with best. They…