Oh I know. Believe me, I have trouble not cursing so they all have said things. The 8 and 6 year old when they were like 5 and 3 at the inlaws for Thanksgiving were in another room with their cousins when the 5 year old shouts out “THAT’S BULLSHIT” and his little brother joins in “yeah, that’s bullshit.” All the in…

Except that Kavanaugh is less fun to watch and looks like a pile of mashed potatoes that have skin pieces left in.

at this point, Brett Kavanaugh is basically Jack Nicholson’s character from “A Few Good Men”

I feel like a destination wedding is any wedding in a noteworthy place (Bumbfuckistan, USA doesn’t count) where a majority of your guests have to arrange serious travel. If you live in Paris and are getting married there but everyone you invited is from San Francisco, it’s a destination wedding regardless.

My guess is a bunch of states’ rights crap and the fear of “socialism” that allowed for way too much deregulation in the 1980s (when there was a moment where they could’ve tried it after getting out of a big recession and fuel crisis in the 1970s) tied with the auto, air, and gas lobbies. So many states could be…

I’m too cheap to take my wife to Paris. I need some overbearing friend to go get married IN Paris so that I have no choice but to pony up for a cross-country flight and then bitch about it.

I think if we had better public transportation; like subsidized high speed rail, you’d see a reinvestment in the smaller towns, as people would be able to live there and work in major cities.

No one wants to see white-on-white-chocolate violence. It’s not natural.

I broke up a fight on the subway once. It was crowded, and the guys started yelling at each other. When one of them swung, everyone started moving, and I was like, “People are amazing! They’re all moving to get between the guys, so they can’t fight. I will join this benevolent stampede.” Turned out they were all…

I’m on Uberwife’s side here. Pulling string cheese is important because it brings back third-grade memories, when you pulled string cheese to delay futilely the end of snack time and the return to class.

“To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”

Guys are, like, real violent yo. I’m beginning to think that they need to wear body cameras or something. 

“Welp, looks like it’s time once again to normalize toxic masculine behavior and not actually do anything about it.

One night in a little saloon in Fort Stockton, Texas, I ripped a man’s leg off and beat another man to death with it. The West Texas desert ran red with blood that night, my friends, and it pooled underneath the I-10's overpass and I bathed as a grackle does in the puddled muddy water of the rolling thunderstorms…

2018 is the stupidest fucking year.

Not even REMOTELY surprised that the former NYPD officer doesn’t know a single man who’s never been in a bar fight

Bar fights are common? I haven’t been in a single one.

I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

I once fought a bar of chocolate. It was messy but ultimately delicious.