The whole “first” shit takes me back to my days as a Perez Hilton lurker. My gossip tastes have evolved since, thankfully.

The book is always better, in my humble opinion. You get so much more out of the story, background, explanations, insight into the characters’ thoughts and motivations.

*POTENTIAL SPOILER ALERT*

Super shit news: this week I found out I have cancer.

Oh no. My co-workers and I talk about this all the time. Resign? Or drive into a utility pole? Corporate America is not good for the soul, dude.

I am completely skeptical about that part. (I don’t believe her lying eyes.)

What type of psychologist does that?! Holy shit.

Am I a bad person because I don’t feel like Clinton’s email thing is as bad as the racism and woman-hate that the republicans are peddling? I get that she was wrong here, and that she has said some racist things in the past. But I would still vote for her over people who show blatant hatred for minorities and women.…

In related news, the FBI still can’t find any fucks for rational people to give about this story.

My brother is a lot younger and for the most part wouldn’t bat an eye when our parents would go out and I would babysit but every now and then he’d be all worked up over...whatever the fuck toddlers get worked up over? Like, no you can’t just light yourself on fire but here’s some crackers so stop crying. My stepmom,…

My husband’s favorite past time is to troll me by asking absurdist questions. I cannot wait until we have children; he will exhasperate and embarrass them in the best possible ways.

This is my favorite thing about kids that age, when they are explaining something to us dumbass adults. If only we could grasp the serious nature of these situations. It’s so fun to keep coming up with dumb questions just to watch them get more and more frustrated.

Baby Schumer.

AH, YES, I WILL HAVE SOME CREME DE METH IN MY COFFEE. THX.

I discovered this week that I really hate Mike Huckabee. I don't really hate people but him I absolutely hate.

He wouldn’t ask a man the same question. That’s the problem.

Dear Mr. President ....

FREE JELANI!!!!!

At first I thought HOW CUTE. THE GORILLA LIKES CELL PHONE PICS LIKE HE’S A PEOPLE!