If he was a Garbage Pail Kid, he’d be Esopha Gus.

True story about LSU: a high school classmate of mine was a future MLB 1st round pick. He took one of his official visits to LSU, which was among the dozens of colleges from which he got scholarship offers. An LSU coach asked him where else he was considering and my classmate told him Stanford, Miami, maybe even…

I wasn’t a literature major, but isn’t the cat supposed to be wearing the hat?

This guy gets to the playoffs every year but never wins a championship? Sounds like the good old golden days of Flyers hockey from my youth!

Why, that’s the most egregious theft along the Delaware since the Treaty of Shackamaxon! Heavens to Betsy!

The Forest Hills Farmers Market is really the only place in Queens you can get away with squeezing melons on Sundays.

Wolfeboro, eh?

I sat across from Molly Shannon on the M86 once. She was with what appeared to be her assistant and her kid, who was screechingly obnoxious. It being the M86, no one paid them any attention whatsoever.

Chris Noth once blocked my way out of my apartment building in NYC while dry-humping some drunken strumpet. He glared at me like I’d just given his toy poodle at prostate exam with a traffic cone. Fuck that guy.

I was at the Crash party at Trax but missed the one for UTTAD. Should have interviewed Carter, the only one of them I can unreservedly say nice things about.

Mustaine regularly came through a rock station I worked at. He was such an asshole to everyone that people hid.

I’m sure, as the 2347th person to reply, this will never see the light of day. Also, C-Listers.

My bosses (based in NH, so they should know better) saw Steven Tyler at a nice restaurant in NYC. As their way of saying thanks for being a good New Hampshirite, they send a nice bottle of champagne to his table, which is sort of a dick present for a guy who’s been on the wagon for 25 years. His response?…

How about protein stains?

Anyone else suddenly in the mood to listen to Pink Floyd’s Animals?

All of this talk about ball security reminds me of the time my dad got seven stitches to the scrotum in a tractor mishap. Unlike my dad’s set, no one has to pull the stitches out of the baseballs.

Gene Simmons? How about Robert John Simmons?

It looks like the URL www.allbillsimmons.com is still available. Y’all should jump on it. You certainly have enough copy to fill it up.

The new Franklin logo represents the first time Ben’s been seen dribbling since the horrible Paris gonorrhea outbreak of 1787.

In spite of all of this, Donald Sterling’s negative impact on the human race still pales in comparison to Bill Simmons.