She was giving a lecture on the limits of the First Amendment. She didn’t direct it at anyone. She was giving an extreme example. These students need to chill a little bit, grow the fuck up, and understand context. 

Little does he know that the tattoo ink was made from the blood of baby sea turtles. 

The last one. Surely. 

My support animal is a glass of whiskey. It's allowed at all airports. 

He’s still the mayor. He will soon be former mayor. 

Yeah, I was going to say, being better than a tire fire is not a high bar to clear. 

Most people are willing to do just about anything to improve the environment, so long as it has no measurable impact on their lifestyle.

I have to look at it. That hurts me. Now go away. 

Pretty sure he’s still the mayor. 

Eat shit.

Good ol’ Kinky. Please proceed.

This usually only happens to me when I’ve been drinking at a bar for several hours. And when I say “only,” I mean once or twice a week. And it’s never a demand. It’s a request: “Hey, I’m about to get off. Do you mind closing out with me, or do you want to keep it open?” I’m always happy to oblige.

Because I fucking hate it. Why do you care if you’re not even going to do it?

Poor Thanksgiving. No other holiday, let alone the greatest holiday, has to endure such unearned second-class status in its own month. Hold off on the shitty music, the garland, the tree, and those delicious little cookies until Black Friday. Your decorative gourds deserve it. 

No, people who put up Christmas decorations (and play Christmas music) before Thanksgiving deserve to have their decorations stolen and houses egged. 

I like plain mashed potatoes. They’re good. Don’t overdo them with extra unnecessary shit.

Fame? No. Infamy. Fame is fleeting and temporary. Infamy is forever.

Because the drunkenness that results will cause you to commit petty crimes which carry fines as punishment? No idea. 

At least her heart was in the right place? 

She probably just got grossed out by the way he ate chili dogs.