I read way too many of these (up until “foxhead garlands”) before realizing this was satire.

I’ve had a few friends who worked while their husbands stayed home with the kids. In every case, the woman still did pretty much everything — the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, all the childcare when she wasn’t at work. The man was considered to be doing such a valiant and noble thing for “giving up his career”…

Yeah, but it seems more like a threat you throw out to motivate people to handle their own shit instead of running to a judge. “You want the courts involved in the custody of your dogs? Well the court sees your dogs as things, and when people can’t figure out who gets the thing, we sell it and divide the money. Is…

And we can’t crate the kids when we leave the house... damn it.

I don’t think this makes you “that person.” I think this is genuinely interesting and not something that would ever occur to me.

Beyonce uses Uber?

I think you might be on the wrong website?

Rather, he is contemplating Ohio governor John Kasich.

More like Slaytanists!!!!

That feeling when a ressurected Jesus Christ would get along better with Satanists than a good 95 percent of his own flock.

I’d love to imagine that a recount meant America will be saved from the kakistocracy of Cheetolini and his cronies taking office, but not holding my breath.

I agree—I’m through with the whole “rise above it” talk, since rising above it has resulted in...this.

This seems like such an odd thing for people to get their panties in a twist about. Between the Russians, voter suppression efforts, and Trump claiming the election was rigged I don’t see how taking a closer look at a couple of states can hurt, maybe it will help restore some confidence in our voting system. It’s…

I’m pretty sure the common thread here is marijuana. The employees got freaked out by a customer and hid in the back: high. Dude goes to CVS in the middle of the night looking for cheese and spends 45 minutes wandering around the store: high.

I feel like: 1. if there’s going to be a civil war, having a President Trump might delay it, but won’t stop it,

“whatever the hell it was” hahahahahaha

Well I did the same. Jill finally got me to donate to her.

Dear HRC: I keep thinking about that scene in The Abyss. You know the one where Ed Harris brings Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio back to life and, between bouts of CPR, he yells, “Goddammit, you bitch! You never backed away from anything in your life! Now fight!”? And she comes roaring back to life?

I raise you a Jesus Fucking Christ Almighty and see you a Goddamn it, Woman. Could Jill Nuclear Stein actually save the country? I’d gleefully end all criticism of her if HRC got elected as a result. Hell, I’d donate to her “campaign”, whatever the hell it was. Go Jill!!

I’m crying and laughing. That is all these past two weeks has been. The saddest laughing and the wildest crying. If she comes through I say we give her a holiday. And I will light all the candles for her until my dying day.

“This one tells us that kidnapping, Stockholm syndrome and bestiality are all just fine, as long as the girl finds love in the end.”