According to a mutual acquaintance, my ex got blackout drunk at a house party and broke a bottle over someone’s head. To be fair, I met my now-husband very shortly after the ex and I had (loudly and viciously) parted ways, and we got married about a year after meeting. Ex found out we were engaged and getting married…

- Manscapes with appropriate frequency, and cleans up thoroughly afterward.

In the same vein, my cousin responded to a text from her (wildly abusive) ex with, “The only reason I would ever want to hear from you again, is if you needed someone to correct the grammar in your suicide note.” I was like daaaaaaaamn.

I’ve been hoping Derek would move on for awhile now, because he’s really kind of a dick a fair amount of the time.

Judas, by The Shimmies.

Safety pins as a fashion statement are fun, right up until you stab yourself with them! Which was consistently my issue, haha.

Definitely met my first love/least favorite ex at a Blink 182 concert circa 2001. They played with Sum 41. There were a lot of safety pins on my clothing.

Opera-going Moonstruck Cher (with Big Beautiful Hair) is giving that old dude some major side eye. What a bitter old pill.

YOUR EYEBALLS?!?!? Oh my god.

When I was 15 (and an idiot) I attended Warped Tour sans sunscreen. I am the kind of pale that prompts strangers to announce "woah, you're hella pale" and other similarly brilliant observations. After 8-ish hours in the sun (not a single cloud in the sky) I was so badly sunburned that my entire face, my hair part, and…

Maybe she should consider a career field that doesn't involve torturing and enraging an animal while it tries to kill you.

If you ever find yourself in St. Louis, you may wish to visit the City Museum. In addition to basically being a glorious work of art that can be climbed and enjoyed, they also offer an adult friendly ball pit, adjacent to their bar and bbq pit. It is a wonder to behold. Be sure to visit the ten story slide as well!

Oh Craig. You will be missed.