It is me, I am the angriest potato.

Aren’t chivari chairs what came through the wormhole in the Avengers?

I, on the other hand, am really disappointed it’s not a bizarre origami honeymoon.

Wait. Why wouldn’t you give a chihuahua a machete?

“Lemon water” is a funny way to spell “coffee.”

So we would get whales that can turn invisible, is what I’m hearing.

Macaroni and cheese is a vegetable in the South.

When my unit was flying from Mosul to Baghdad, the one guy in my platoon who’d been to airborne school was talking a lot of shit about how we might feel nauseous while the plane landed, but not him, because he was so totes used to it.

Manners.

Are you me?

Hello, yes, I am intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works.

Not really? Unless you’re suggesting it’s because of meth. That seems as plausible an explanation as any.

There are only three Indiana Jones movies, dammit.

Tears of joy? Mustard-based BBQ is the way and the light.

Something that no one mentions when talking about how veterans’ suicide rates have rocketed since we transitioned to an all-volunteer force: we’re a much smaller percentage of the population than we used to be, and that’s fucking alienating. It’s hard to deal with the heavy shit when there’s no one around to talk to…

The sheer scale of the lack of fucks given is kind of impressive.

Am I taking crazy pills? Does “not interested” mean anything other than not being interested to anyone else?

You’re a national goddamn treasure, Torch.

Not really, no. Either way, she still doesn’t want to date you, and that’s her prerogative.