It’s some damn impressive spin. If the little shitheel had hit the guy, he’d have the balls to say that Phillips’s face really hurt his hand.

“And stop saying “eh?” all the damn time. We don’t say that in Texas. TED.”

Exactly. And at 97, he can probably only drive one specific car. As a bonus, unlike new cars, it probably has a cd player and no touchscreen.

Leading a cult is harder, and stranger, than he thought it would be.

I love that the jorts are the real winner today.  Nice one.

Easy, Gunga Din.

“What if one of the people who was assaulted by R Kelly becomes an offender? We gonna crucify them too?”

I love 3000, but I have to:

Pence’s hair looks so soft and fluffy. I imagine most of it grows inward. Sometimes I think I’d like a pillow filled with it, but then I think about all the scary dreams I would have.

Faith better bring a hammer because the only thing Trump can bang on all night long is Twitter. He hasn’t seen his mushroom cap since the Mueller investigation made him start demanding three scoops of ice cream with every meal.

“I want to burn your house down.”

It really is like kicking an inanimate object you hate. Fuck off, Marie Kondo, I need that trashbag full of jean shorts and old sweaters sitting in the corner.

“Though there is an empty bowl in front of me, I know for a fact that I did not just eat cereal for breakfast. Though, when you think about it, I guess it is possible, as a box of cereal is setting next to the bowl and the bowl may or may not have a tiny bit of milk in it. If I did eat a bowl of cereal, I don’t feel…

I’ve read about Greta Van Fleet what seems like a lot over the last year. Somehow, after the last review I read, I discarded everything I knew about them and decided the band was a female solo-act. Now, having finally heard them, I remember all the other stuff I read and am sad. But not very sad. Goodbye, GVF. I…

I’m willing to not complain about a pardon for the whole Trump clan being thrown in providing they move to Russia and give up their passports.

They’re totally connected to the civil war. They’re propaganda from the losing side’s decedents, people who knew they lost the war but could control the narrative.

But look how old this cheap statue looks!  It’s history!

“I see piss coming, I move. She saw piss coming, she stayed.”

“You’re a genius.”

That beam in one’s eye makes them hate the mote in someone else’s.