Nah. If you’re going to rock the Chun-Li, you need to be built for it.

That’s really keen, guys. I mean it! Look, I know some of you regret not trying for that BFA. Not everyone can hack it in the liberal arts. But that’s ok! The world will always need STEM people. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I know you guys will do just great.

I can’t believe it! That’s... that’s the Pendant of Nature’s Law! Crafted eons ago by the cavern-dwarves of Ur-Xanadu, this mystical pendant-

The coffee-infused jeans also protect the wearer from harmful UV rays.

HA! Asking fashion designers to care about the cultures they appropriate from? You should definitely know better than that, Mr. Ashcraft. Ask any Native American.

Values Voter Summit 2016 coupon: I can go for just $50 next year if I like.

I dunno, I mean... on the one hand, fuck these guys. On the other hand, if this sorry display is the extent of their rhetorical toolbox...

Unfortunately that’s not their official name. Just the one used by dem dirty libruls. Stands for Targeted Restriction of Abortion Providers.

and lows (the 1990s)

Quite simple really. Everything was better in the old days, old things have lumps, and older things are likelier to be haunted. Ergo, lumpy is better and lumpy things have more soul(s). Feel free to disagree all you like, but know that we’re on to you, Mr Bateman.

Goddamn but that is annoyingly impractical. Also, who decides to live in a church and then turn it into a soulless modern hellhole? I conclude that this is not actually a building for living in, but rather a clever art installation giving a modernist take on Hell.

Benedict Cumberbatch as “Nathaniel Blanc”, the white gay man who wrote all of MLK’s speeches, became the rock that MLK leaned on, and ultimately jumped in front of the first bullet fired in Memphis. Never forget.

Therefore, what Bunn does with his clients is recondition their fear of flying by pairing the idea of hurtling through the air with an oxytocin-producing memory. He has his clients imagine their partner giving them a loving look after having sex or nursing their baby, anything that will get that oxytocin raging. Then…

I do it maybe too much.

Super Mario Bros. It has a small cult following, I think, but it needs much more attention. Trench-coated Stasi dinosaur Koopas? Check. Rocket boots? Check. Dennis Hopper as the ridiculous King Koopa? Motherfucking check.

A straight-up remake? Nah. Lemme know when they decide to modernize it - set in a crowded city, say, possibly sometime in the 80s. Basically just mash together The Jungle Book and The Warriors. With this soundtrack:

Right there in the very second sentence, even. I wonder if I can sue Liptak for emotional whiplash.

Waitwaitwait, are you claiming that guns don’t count as speech? I thought we had rolled the 1st and 2nd amendments together YEARS ago.

The question is, can I get one large enough to carry home my artisinal firewood in?