My mom was a frequent shopper with LV. LV and the Avon catalog. All my lunchboxes were from there, and I coveted more than a few of those costumes. Pretty sure I had the ballet shoes towel. (I did do ballet.) Maybe the stationery, too. There was always stationery.

I don’t know where I would have been without Sassy.

Yes. Chewie, poor Chewie! Then I watched the Star Wars Christmas Special and I’d had enough Wookies for a lifetime, but yeah, Chewie’s sorrow, and then he and Rey in the Falcon, looking out at the future. Ahhhhh.

This is the first beauty pageant contestant I can actually get behind. She is a legitimate role model with a powerful voice. I hope she wins, and I hope winning helps her achieve the things she wants.

This whole story is all kinds of great, and I’m glad Pornhub is helping single moms get through school in clothed ways, too. But if this lady was a whistleblower with a hit on her, what will next year’s winner have to do?

God bless the fact that my big, dumb boyfriend Gronk prolly won’t even vote. I’ll take dumb apathy over dumb douchery any day.

Je suis Paris. Or whatever it is when you join in brotherhood with your country to celebrate the downfall of a universally agreed upon piece of shit. I’m holding hands with all of you.

Really hoping she has to go go the bathroom in front of other people. I know it isn’t legal, but I wish it anyway.

Dolly is a personal hero of mine. My friends laugh and think it’s ironic, but I am 100% serious. I had a big die cut sticker of her made for one of my snowboards, and every year, I choose a different Dolly song to go into the “shred playlist.” She’s incredibly talented and truly seems like a funny, kind, and…

Piece of pudding pop poop.

There’s a whole body message blah blah thing, and there’s middle school nostalgia, which I’m frankly more excited about.

My brain exploded, I puked in my mouth, my tear ducts filled with acid, my vagina shriveled, and my insides shuddered as my body issued a collective “WTF.” That poor girl. I like how she immediatly walked away. Like “We’ll talk about this later, Toby. Get me the fuck out of here and hand me some booze.”

This is not a good idea. The end.

Sometimes I wish they would take people at their word.

Oh man. No one plays with babies like Obama plays with babies. I swear one of his Secret Service peoples is instructed to alert him when there is a baby in the area and to escort the child to the West Wing for playtime immediately. It is what saves him from stress death in this job.

The trench coat. I can’t. But then there’s the Costco 3-pack no-wrinkle size XL dress shirt with splayed collar. His suit jackets are milquetoast but hardly offend mine eyes the way the other two do. AND CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT HIS WAXED MARIONETTE FACE AND HOW IT GIVES ME NIGHTMARES? I feel like too much time is…

He’s gonna die soon, right? Everyone needs to remember that the next president will replace 4-5 justices. We could come out on the side of um, justice, or we could be fucked for the next 40 years. Time to get the vote out, for real, tho.

I’ll never forget the first time I heard Diane Rehm’s crazy voice and got a little nervous, but stuck around because the show was so incredible. My favorite was the interview with Mr. Rogers. I’ve missed her since I stopped driving. Maybe there will be a back catalog of comfort listening.

Puppy diplomacy can heal the world. I don’t even think ISIS can resist.

As an adult, I think Krav Maga is the only martial art I’d want to learn. Maybe it would be something that is neat for kids, like any other martial art. I find it extremely distasteful and reckless to tell children it’s up to them to stop an attack. Their brains are not fully formed and playing the hero could result…