First they need to apologize for what they did to pizza.

Tired of sticking your keys in the fridge? Constantly starting fires after forgetting to take them out of the microwave? Who isn’t!

I swear, if ONE MOTHERFUCKER calls me at work and asks if its okay to freeze the key fob to their car I’m leaving early.

Coming out as gay is cool and all, but coming out as a Minnesota United player? That takes real courage.

(Editor’s note: Three minutes after Deadspin commenter “threve” posted this, he was arrested while waiting in line at the Starbucks drive-thru after ramming his F-150 into the car ahead of him for taking too long to order.)

You didn’t attend her funeral? So as you say this was a women who you knew since you were toddlers. I assume that means you were pretty good friends. Instead of being there for those two children when they probably need people the most you got on your high horse and road away.

WEEK 1
NFL: “Stand or stay in locker room.”
Players: *stay in locker room*
Morons: “THEY NEED STAND ON FIELD BOOOOOO!”

WEEK 2:
NFL: “Stand on field.”
Players: *stand on field, fists raised*
Morons: “THEY RAISE FIST BOOOOOO!”

WEEK 3
NFL: “Stand on field with hands down.”
Players: *stand on field, hands down, heads…

Flags are symbols, and they symbolize different things to different people.

Baby steps, Billy, baby steps. That was 1:49 with no dives.

I drink water and sleep A LOT. I do not look like this and I’m just over half her age.

Seems that mediocre wiggers are her type, so this is on-brand.

Anyway, interesting to see supposed ‘left-wingers’ and great hopes of the Democratic Party, including George Clooney and Oprah, reveal their true stripes as royalists, and de facto upholders of privilege and the status-quo.

Yes. There is a tool called a nose frieda made just for this purpose. I’m an excellent snot sucker, but I’ll be damned if any of that shit gets in my mouth.

It’s a mischaracterization to paint Amazon as the sole big bad here. The original proposal was so myopic that the mind reels at the thought it was likely to pass in the first place. Amazon is shitty for countless reasons and they (often frustratingly) prefer to do things “their” way, but they alone didn’t create this…

One of my buddies in college used to take a gigantic gas-station plastic mug and dump a can of frozen OJ concentrate in it, and just fill the rest with vodka. He’d then proceed to go get trashed playing frisbee-golf. Fuck yeah.

I know 23 Americans that don’t have to worry about that any more.

I mean, you insert yourself into every comment section so do you really not get the impulse?

When you see a Sysco truck pulling into an Aramark run joint you know you’re in for a treat.

Lima beans are a war crime. There’s nothing at all redeemable about them, not their color, taste, texture or supposed nutritional value. If all I had were lima beans, I would rather starve. Not even kidding.