Better than:

They really need to quantify "large amount" otherwise I am not impressed.

I sat down to read this, slipped on some spilled egg nog, and the cable remote was wedged between the sofa cushions, and...

I heard that his son lightly poked him in the chest and Big Kev took a huge dive.

However, DNA testing on a toothpick left at the scene is incomplete.

Drunken domestic violence at the holidays is a best case scenario when a 55 year old former wrestler makes the news.

Dear Ms./Mrs/Mr/Whatever Prefix Suits Your Fancy/ Merlan,

I don't get it. I've been clicking on that top map for like ten minutes now, trying to figure out what's most common for my region, only it keeps coming back "idiot".

Well that's embarrassing I didn't recognize him as the author of the book! In my defense I've only seen the movie...anyway thanks for the lesson! I'll have to keep an eye out for some of his stuff, looks interesting.

The little jewelry store on Main Street went out of business since the owners retired.
And they moved Pickens High School.
Very exciting.

"The people in the airport think that I'm crazy!" -John Green

Christian Scientists believe in Christ/Christianity, but don't believe in inoculation or preventative medicine. These are the kinds of people who get tried for manslaughter for not allowing their sick children to go to a doctor, but even then, they are observably less crazy than Scientologists.

That was beautiful, Emmett.

Rob: I did a 6 and a upside down 6!

I'm going to rule out the chance that this is a Corinthians reference.

I'm guessing based on the size, he must be the 9.

Hand up. No shot.

The ball got between their amazing high-five.

I remember that joke the first time I heard it and assumed it was directly referencing Cosby's rape allegations. The allegations have been following him around for years and years before this most recent round.