My dad, an alcoholic, always used to skip the wine during Eucharist. When we got married, my wife and I were the Eucharistic Ministers. I remember being slightly panicked when my father lined up in front of me and took the chalice from me. He raised it to his lips and then kissed the rim. It was the most reverent…

During the children’s sermon on Christmas Eve, the pastor gave the gifts these gorgeously wrapped presents. The kids opened them and the boxes were empty - he was building to something. So he asked the kids if they knew why their boxes were empty? Much much louder than he anticipated due to the fine ascoustics in the…

That reminds me of a very odd Winnebago trip I took with a few friends and one of their parental pairings. The parental pair was quite well off and very Southern-rich (when driving through Manhattan—in a Winnie, mind—the wife exclaimed, “Oh look! A homeless person!” with all the glee of a seven year old girl spotting…

Mentioning the 9/11 gift shop always makes me think of this.

Well this is a story of my grandfather at a moment of great family sadness and pain.

My ex-fiance is now a priest (not Catholic), and one summer he stayed in the guest room at the parish priest’s house. I was between housing situations for a night, so they let me stay over, and we went at it like rabbits. So yeah, did it with an almost-priest in a current priest’s house.

I’m sure everyone else has a better one, but this is my best shot:

Exactly this; thank you for articulating it so well instead of making a dumb joke like I did.

I continue to struggle with the fact that several of the republican candidates are so clearly brilliant (Jindal- Rhodes Scholar, Cruz- brilliant legal mind, Carson- literally a brain surgeon) but are so, so stupid. If ever there were poster children for not assuming innate talent endows functionality, it’s these…

They’re not against abortions as much as they’re against women having sex. And they will say on one hand that it’s a precious life and on the other that if a woman plays around, she deserves what she gets.

This seems less a race to be elected president and more a race to be elected king of the dipshits.

The irony is not lost on me that he’s spend the last 2+ years living down his most infamous quote by embracing every dyed in the wool piece of know nothingness to come down the pike.

They should have diluted it in water until there was statistically probably nothing but water left.

No, not a typo. I have worked at a place that will remain nameless that sent around a memo that time spent going to the hospital for work-related injuries would be unpaid. When you’re desperate, it looks like a choice.

I had a manager write that my resting face was not pleasant enough when I was not with customers. IT’S MY FACE. I quit after 4 months.

Most likely not. I worked in a warehouse in Indiana for a long time. Indiana has very few worker’s rights laws, and their OSHA is a fucking joke, with a telephone line that endlessly loops back upon itself. I once (warning, graphic description ahead) cut my arm with a box cutter all the way through the dermis to the…

See, THAT’S when you storm into a kitchen and threaten someone with a steak knife.

1) Use the coupons for the hottest salsa you can get.

No, it sounds about right. :/

I had this pair of asshole brothers come in last night and they tipped me in coupons for free salsa because I had “such a sweet and spicy smile”. Their bill was over $100.