I think we’re all waiting, crouching like gay lionesses, for the first homophobic gazelle to trot across the sacred grounds.

Bigot tears are low-fat, low-carb, and alcohol free, so you are good. However, call a doctor if you have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.

At what point should I stop drinking tears if I have to drive later on?

Seriously. Comparing marriage inequality to slavery and internment camps does not seem like a great way to argue in FAVOR of it.

All these people need punched.

Am I the only one who thinks Greek yogurt is kinda nasty?

Also, Doctors in Texas will no longer be required to tell uninsured patients with heart problems that chest pains are just “Jesus huggin’ you tighter”.

Health insurance =/= health care

Emma Stone.

So we’re screwed, basically.

Forget the ridiculous third reason for a moment. Why do there seem to be so many otherwise intelligent people who don’t seem to understand that the vast majority of the time it’s not appropriate to act on your sexual impulses? Literally everyday of the week I work with and walk by women that I am attracted to,…

I started “over-tipping” (i.e. giving a generous tip) to the pizza/salad/sandwich shop delivery guy back in February because the weather was so dog-awful that I felt like I needed to give him hazard pay for braving the 1.5 mile stretch of road between the restaurant and my house. Since then, whenever “my” delivery…

It’s time for these settlements to come out of the cops’ pension funds. Watch how fast the “good cops” police their own.

He grinned at me, lifted his kilt and without even hesitating, flopped his sad, exposed wiener onto our stainless steel counter top.

If you think about it, any story about food is the beginning of a poop story.

Jesus, each of these stories should have ended with a scalding bowl of soup to the dick for the men involved.

The story about the cancer-free anniversary “date” is one of the most pathetic things I’ve ever read. That’s some Ralph Wiggum/Lisa Simpson shit right there.

It took me forever to quit smoking so I don’t care how different vaping is to smoking; I’m still not doing it because of the nicotine.