It's the type of blue dye they use that makes it so valuable. It's made from the ACTUAL tears of the SAME child who dug it up in the diamond mine. It's a little extra, but so worth it! Those tears (and you get extra tears if the child is an orphan or a war child) cause the magic that shade of blue has to make 95% of…

Because you've been married for ten years and your husband takes pics and doesn't need to send them anywhere.

Dear #NotAllMen,

I am furious right there with you girl. And here is why. I don't want to be afraid of men. I don't want to think that anytime I walk past a man and I am alone I need to be on the defensive. I don't want to cringe when I am out for a jog and a car pulls up on the side of the road to park and all I can think about…

I used the Bar Method, and I got great results: I was shitfaced drunk in under 30 minutes!

I don't understand camping. 1. It's a huge fucking hassle because you have to schlep everything you need with you. Everything. Like paper towels and toilet paper and salt and jesus, just everything. 2. It's filthy. Dirt everywhere, and if there are bathrooms, they're like some Siberian labor camp filth pits. 3.…

Nutella is the most wildly overrated spread. FACT.

It's like celebrities are all children and we go back and forth between being proud of their accomplishments and arguing about how to raise them.

I have so many horror stories from a decade of waiting tables, beginning with a year of being a hostess. Fucking people. I wouldn't even know where to start.

Toward the end of my tenure as a server, I got pretty feisty. When people were terrible to me I would insist they keep their 4 cent tip, because they "obviously…

FUCK YEAH!

Yup.

I'm pretty sure that Guy just sits on your burger while it grills, so what you lose in squeezing out the burger's natural flavor you make up for in butt sweat.

LISTEN HERE, MY FRIEND, THIS SLAMMIN JAMMIN FLAVOR FIESTA DOESN'T STOP WITH SOME PISSY LITTLE SANDWICH. FOR ROUND TWO, PREPARE YOUR FACEHOLE FOR THE POUNDING IT DESERVES. WE'VE GOT SATAN'S OWN YOU-DAHO POTATOES, AN INCREDIBALLER DISH WHERE WE'VE DUMPED AN ENTIRE BAG OF SPUDS AND THREE POUNDS OF CIGARETTE BUTTS INTO A…

RING THE BELL IN FLAVORTOWN SQUARE BECAUSE GUY REVERE IS RIDING HIS 4-COURSE FLAVOR HORSE THROUGH THE STREETS TO WARN YOU ABOUT HIS BRAND NEW CASH MONEY DELI BRO-GIE JAM PACKED WITH MORE MEAT THAN A DRUNK SORORITY GIRL ON A SATURDAY NIGHT. AND THIS AIN'T NO GAY-OLI MY FRIENDS, OUR STRAIGHT GANGSTER VOLCANO AIOLI SAUCE…

You guise. There's a pathetic racist troll at the top of this comment thread. Can we please give Magical Spinning Lupita all the replies and stars to get that shit trumpet out of the top spot, please?

I fart on this song