I started memorizing the phone number immediately.

Every Wednesday is pizza night here in the DEB household, and it’s always Little Caeser’s. It used to be frozen from the grocery store, but then a LC’s opened up in our podunk town about a year ago or so, and we immediately switched. I don’t eat the pizza (not a huge fan of any pizza, really), but I do love their…

I hope I didn’t shake anything awake.

Why not both? The earth is round and haunted by ghouls who grow stronger when they inhale your fear. Chuh. 

Oh, those kind words are just covering up the fact we can’t go to the washroom alone now and we all hate you.

I wanna wake up my kid so he can hold me 

Peer pressure?

As much as I hope that’s true, because Look at Me was chilling to the fucking bone, I hope, just as fervently, that it is not true. I simply can’t handle being scared like that again.

I thought maybe there was a spider or a cop.

My husband lost his job and we ended up moving to a mobile home his parents own in the S. California desert where he grew up

I’m just a yob from a podunk town on the prairies. I’d never think of something that sophisticated. 

Well played. 

Can I borrow ten bucks? If twenty means nothing, then ten must be what you spit your gum into.

I’m still pissed as hell she didn’t win all-stars season 3. YOU ARE DANAERYS, MOTHER OF GODAMN DRAGONS, SHANGELA. 

Isn’t everyone’s? Tell me now, because I don’t want to be in a Good Place where a bunch of women are crying because they lied and said their man was more important than their dog, and now they don’t have their dog and they’re stuck with a man for eternity instead of puppies. Nooooooooope.

That’s how I got married. I’ll let you figure out who was goofily, adorably in love and who wouldn’t know a human emotion (at that point) if it came up and slapped them in the face. I’ll wait. 

Youre not wrong, Waitress Janet. Not wrong...

I didn’t think twice about Janet, the character, or Ms. Carden’s portrayal of her, until Bad Janet came along, and then boy howdy. Game changed. Bad Janet is just genius.

“Look at my children. LOOK AT THEM.”

BEYONCÉ IS DEAD?!