It took me way too long to realize you didn’t mean that the brother had just gotten a job at Marshall’s. I was like, “Who throws a fucking party for that?”

Similar story!

I desperately need someone to teach me how to man. I went in my garage the other day and I exploded in hives. I had to wrap my body in the softest blankets to soothe my angry skin. I picked up a hammer and it immediately became lodged in my throat. I had to ask men at the man store to remove it. Later that same week I…

I’ve had to stop on at least 2 occasions because my GPS had no idea where I was fucking going.

36. Super smart, cures diseases to life threatening diseases everyday

Notices when you vomit loudly out the car window.

Sex position where you cling to the other person like a barnacle.

45. Writes self serving humblebrag posts on Jezebel and shows wife all the stars he got because he’s an awesome feminist.

33. Doesn’t whine

So much this.

Working title:

I work with high school kids and when this came up in a debate, one of the very religious kids said, “THAT’S NOT TRUE, ABSTINENCE ALWAYS WORKS.”

I might actually watch this.

I don’t think Monaco will take her. They got thier share of annoying white women from Hailey on this season’s Amazing Race.

It’s also a Mediterranean paradise, no?

Let’s all flee to Monaco.

In LiLo’s defense (words I never thought I would type), I would like to flee to Monaco too.

I fucking love the idea of using Socratic Questioning in the style of cognitive-behavior therapy in sexting. I’m just gonna ask you questions until you reach the conclusion I’d like you to reach; it’s much more salient if you’re able to get there on your own.

OMG YAAAAS YASSSSSSS TO EVERY IDIOT COMMENTER WHO KEPT SAYING SHE WAS JUST OVERLINING HER LIPS I AM SINGING DASHBOARD’S VINDICATED AND DANCING AROUND THIS AIRPORT TERMINAL ALSO I AM PROBABLY VERY DRUNK